I did yoga a couple times in the past week or so, and it felt sooooo good. I’m having a hard time scheduling it in – you have to do it on an empty stomach, and I’ve been eating a lot lately (eating disorder). But as long as I can remind myself how good it feels, I think I will be able to do it more often once I stop bingeing (see goal: get help for my eating disorder)
Friday, August 10, 2007
I have been having a setback the past week or so, regarding my anxiety and my mood. My social anxiety is creeping back into my life since I’ve lowered my medication – I’ve noticed I’m not looking people in the eye, not able to make small talk with strangers, not as eager to go out and be seen. I had an anxiety attack on the bus the other day, feeling like I couldn’t wait to get home and hide.
On the other hand, I have not been so afraid of this slump in mood. I know it is from the medication, and I have a doctor’s appointment in less than two weeks, so it can be adjusted. I’m also hoping that I may adapt to this lowered dose by then and not have to increase it. I’m not so worried about myself yet, and not panicking that I might go into a severe slide. I’m just kind of hanging in there.
I’m mindful of the increase symptoms without getting angry or frustrated about them. My self-talk has improved, and I’m being a little more gentle and compassionate towards myself when I remember to do so. As long as I stay calm, I think I can prevent slipping into a vicious cycle of depression where my fear and panic make it worse than it would be otherwise and therefore create more anxiety and depression. I think I’m doing really well at accepting my current state, actually, and not exacerbating it at all. I’m being patient.
I’ve actually had a couple meals this week that I just sat and ate at the kitchen table, without reading magazines or playing sudoku etc. It’s pretty boring. I can’t say that I enjoyed the food more, but I guess I wasn’t being too mindful, I was probably thinking about other things besides the taste and experience. Still, any meal eaten without “multi-tasking” is a step in the right direction.
Keeping my apartment tidy – when I have been successful, I’ve been compulsive about it, organizing and re-organizing for hours. Once I get started I can’t stop until everything is done. It’s odd, very extreme – either I don’t do a thing and the place is a disaster, or I get manic about it and can’t stop. It does feel good to clean, and to have a clean place. I guess I could pick worse things to be compulsive about.
After weeks of olaying phone tag, I finally talked to someone at the Eating Disorders clinic in person, and I now have an appointment next week!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
1pm. Wake up, lie in bed for an hour, dozing in and out of sleep.
2pm. Get out of bed, make lemon tea, check email and (oops) Facebook. Drink lemon tea and water. Take a shower, scrub with loofah, wash hair. Get dressed.
Make berry smoothie. Drink berry smoothie. Take medication.
Make detox tea. Pack bag. Go to park with the dog, set up on a bench, drink tea and read book. Stare at the people across the pond for feeding the ducks. Pack up and walk slowly home.
Make lunch of leftover dips - olive pate, cheese dip, bean dip, eggplant dip, with celery, cucumber, carrots and rice crackers. Eat mindfully but quickly.
Finish knitting scarf for my step-mom. Read some more. Take a nap.
8pm. Wake up from nap. Check email, speak on phone with long lost friend, Facebook (oops).
9pm. Do Shiva Rae's Shakti Yoga - Luna Yoga routine, skipping the inversions. Includes pranayama, meditation and asana.
Read. Make edamame garlic almond casserole and put in oven. Read.
12pm. Take medication. Blog.
Success. Although I did go on Facebook a number of times to reply to the activity of my friends, and also that I ate some beernuts, the rest of the day was good. I took it easy, read quite a bit of "In Praise of Slow", and did a great yoga practice, with meditation and breathing. I enjoyed my lunch. I very much enjoy appetizers, and I've been reading about antipasti, which I think I'm going to add to my regular diet. I very much liked the black olive pate with cucumbers! Yum. There is a lot of that left.
This is the first time I've self-imposed aloneness for a healthy reason, and accordingly, I feel healthy about it. I don't feel disconnected, alienated, or lonely. I feel somewhat devilish, as if I have a juicy secret. I feel justified. I feel like I could do this regularly and have it be a good thing, this head-in-a-book-ish-ness. I feel independent, strong, and am starting to trust myself a bit. As in, I trust that during this 3 days I am not going to allow my Superego to shit on me. I am worth taking care of, whether or not I ever do a damn thing "with my life". There is no body that deserves it more than me (that is to say, we all deserve it equally).
I like this no-guilt attitude, this criticism-free-zone. I have created a sanctuary with nothing more than my intention and a wee bit of planning. Nice. *pats self on back*.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
At this point, I’m ready to consider any sort of focused relaxation and/or breathing exercise as being meditation. I have done a couple mindfulness exercises, from the book Radical Acceptance, in the last week or so. I’ve been experimenting with using the pain in my back as a focal point, trying to accept it without resistance and watch its movement. It is a tricky exercise, but I think I’m not judging myself as much, so that is an improvement at least!
This is a pretty lofty one, since I tend to not want to take the time to cook, but I have found that lately I really enjoy cooking, and want to eat healthier – and that means cooking.
In this case, “cooking” refers to a meal that takes time to prepare, that includes vegetables that need chopping. So, a salad with lots of veggies works.
I would like to start using my bamboo steamer and slow cooker. I don’t do “oven-cooking” much, since it’s so energy-inefficient, especially since I’m only cooking for one. I usually do stove-top, but I’ll use the microwave to heat up noodles or defrost stuff.
Lately I’ve been having urges to do yoga, but haven’t actually done it. I did want to this morning but got busy doing other things. That’s not meant to be an excuse. These days I’m trying not to pressure myself, to do things as I feel like it, having faith that I will eventually feel like doing the things on my goal list. So, the next step is to take the opportunity, when i do have an urge, and pop in a yoga DVD.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Since I've made an effort to stop "shoulding" and "have to-ing" myself, I've been much happier. I'm procrastinating less, worrying less about my to-do lists, and feeling less guilty when I do something fun. I've definitely been reading more. I've also been surfing the net, which can be good or bad, but mostly I'm surfing for information on specific things that interest me. I'm looking into the Slow Movement, or Deceleration of Time Movement. I'm reading "In Praise of Slow", and enjoying it immensely. I have to force myself to put it down so I can digest it slowly! I'm also still reading Radical Acceptance and thinking about those ideas, especially the mindfulness meditation.
There are a few other things that probably are effecting my mood as well: Zyprexa at bedtime, my friend who was very sick is doing a bit better - "out of the woods" for now, anyway, so the sadness I was feeling for her every day has been relieved, and although I'm still worried, it's not as severe.
When I was in Toronto on Tuesday, I missed my appointment with a new therapist, because I hadn't written down the address and was looking in the wrong place. I walked way too much, and then my cousin couldn't find me to pick me up. I was very upset, but as soon as I began to chat with her about her life, I felt much better. I was able to let go of the anger and frustration and self-pity that I had been feeling, which was compounded by similar events the day before. I really just started to enjoy the present moments I had with my cousin and the friends I had dinner with. I did make a bad decision that caused me to have to wait almost 2 hours and take the latest bus home - I didn't get home until past 1 a.m. but all in all it was a good day.
I have been able to make phone calls for appointments and such this past week or two, instead of putting them off like I was doing before.
Last week I made a whole bunch of eastern european appetizers for my book club meeting, and I really enjoyed cooking them (my mom helped, so that was even nicer!). I've noticed that once I set my mind to it, I like cooking a lot, maybe even more than eating the food - eating seems so anti-climactic, maybe I'm just not that good at it! But I do think the food is tasty, I think I just don't like eating. I read a book that said that people who binge don't really enjoy eating at all, and I think I have to agree with that. The more I think about what actually goes on, it grosses me out. I just like to taste, and moreso like the feeling of full/numb/serotonin rush I get from food. I did call the eating disorders clinic back again, left another message. Hopefully we'll be able to connect next week. Anyway, I think I'm really going to get into this vegan/vegetarian cooking thing. I've made some really cool stuff in my vitamix - the latest being peach yoghurt, and it was the best yoghurt I've ever had! And I've been making more stirfry. The food went over very well at the meeting, and nearly every time I have cooked for someone else, they've really liked it. One year for the Oscars I made chicken kebabs and curried rice for a friend, I made rice paper veggie wraps for another friend, I've made stirfry for friends and my mom (who loved it!), and the appetizers I make for my family gatherings are usually a hit. I've made bruschetta topping, and made up my own recipe for artichoke dip with goat cheese. And always, I've enjoyed making and serving these foods. The praise is almost secondary!
I am having some money problems, somehow I overspent this month. So I am really out of cash until August. I will have to be more careful next month, and not spend so much on food. I bought a lot of organic/health foods, and they always cost a lot more. I guess I didn't realize how much more.
I am now on straight morphine for my fibromyalgia. I take it before bed, and it doesn't seem to do enough for me during the day. Well, not if I'm being as active as I was in the past couple days. I had to take supplemental endocet, which my doctor and I didn't discuss, as needed for pain.
I was very social yesterday at the rib and beer fest. I made conversation with everyone who shared a table with us, which is great! I actually started the conversations - that is new. Since my social anxiety has improved, I've been able to have conversations with people if they initiate, or if I need help or information (say, at a store), but never have I actually begun a conversation just because I wanted to. So, a great milestone, I think! Am I actually becoming the extrovert that I was born to be? who's been in hiding since I was about 7? It is an interesting question. I can't imagine I will lose the introspection orientation, the thought-before-action introvert characteristic. But, maybe I will. Not that I think extroversion is better, it's just that 75% of the population is extraverted, and introverts tend to be misunderstood, or misperceived. Like, you think I'm a snob or a bitch, but really I'm just shy, or anxious, or concentrating. It's an easier life for extroverts, or so it seems to me.
Monday, July 09, 2007
I got the book from the library, by Tara Brach, the author of the YJ article I mentioned the other day about fear. I started reading it last night, and like the article, just about every sentence is hitting home. It is amazing, I finally found something that SPEAKS to me again. And wouldn’t you know, it’s Buddhism, again. The author brings Buddhist acceptance to our crazy, sick, Western lives. I am looking forward to reading more, and perhaps learning some techniques that will help me experience real acceptance. Because lately I’ve been trying to do it, but it’s not getting any farther than my head. I can say it in my head, but I don’t feel it somatically. And really it has been amounting to a little bit of flailing about, a little directionlessness, a little lack of self-discipline, which is actually creating some anxiety and fear (you know, of being out of control). Brach talks about finding ways to connect with your inner goodness, and once I do that, I can live from that place, and I won’t want to be doing all these harmful things that I’m doing to myself right now, like eating crap and wasting time fiddling around.
But there’s a paradox here I’m struggling with – she’s saying that our feelings of not being good enough stem from our culture of always having to acheive, to get approval, to improve, to be better (than we are, than other people). And here I am, working on a list of GOALS. Here I’ve written out, plain as day, things I don’t like about my life and myself and want to change. How to reconcile that with loving myself as I am?
And the whole idea of loving myself is another complicated thing – especially because I’m still learning what love really is. I try to imagine feeling about myself the way I feel about those kids I babysit, and, well, I can’t imagine it. I have a hard time even feeling that unconditional about my best friends! That difficulty has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with my insecurities, I know that. It is hard to really want the best for someone when you are jealous of them. And since I have let go of my jealousy of those kids, I really can love them better. It is a process. Perhaps my friends are next. As for loving myself, well, i want to learn. Maybe this book will help me begin to imagine it.
Both were out of Toronto. I found them on psychology today’s website. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php
It’s actually a great directory because each therapist is listed with their own description of what they do, what their specialties are, usually a picture, fees, insurance coverage, type of therapy etc. Basically everything you would want to know before you called them.
the first one I emailed was a group practice. I figured they’d be flexible enough to find me what I needed, which is always different than your standard therapy.
The second one was a very interesting woman, with a kind-looking picture, who is influenced by Buddhism and Integral Theory, among other things. Basically she sounds like she is exactly what I need, she’s going to understand what the heck I am talking about when I say my difficulties are my spiritual journey. She’d be able to help me use Buddhism even more to improve my experiences in life. She’s also very focused on shame and feelings of unworthiness, and well, so am I! So I really hope she gets back to me, and that I can work something out with her. She’s not a clinical psychologist, so she probably won’t be covered by ODSP, but she’s got a sliding scale, and I’ll probably be able to arrange at least some meetings with her on the days that I see Dr. Saul in Toronto, so some of the transporation costs will be covered. Finding her may just be one of those great turning points. I have high hopes!
I called the community mental health clinic regional eating disorders program to refer myself for help. I just got an answering machine so I left my name and number. That’s two steps done (i.e. admitting I have a problem and asking for help.) I also emailed two therapists in Toronto to discuss getting therapy from them, for my other “issues” as well. Yay me.
Friday, July 06, 2007
As I started to walk home from the park after saying good-bye to the girls, I saw a heron standing in the lake, under the shade of some over-hanging trees. I have mentioned before that I believe herons are one of my animal guides, and whenever I see one, I think it is telling me I am on the right path. I sat right down and watched it. For the first time, I witnessed how the heron feeds - crouching down, curving its neck so its beak is parallel to and just above the water, and suddenly jabbing its head like an elegant spear into the lake. I saw it catch at least two little fish. I saw it walk slowly backwards as it appeared to be watching its prey. I saw it pose like a pointer dog, long elegant neck outstretched, body in balance, standing on one leg. I did not get to see it soar today, to see it unfold its massive wingspan and glide across the water - instead it walked carefully up the bank and into the trees. I thought to myself that perhaps I've just had the briefest of glimpses into what Thoreau experienced at Walden Pond. I came nearer to the still point within me today than I have been in a very long time. I think the only thing that kept me from feeling it completely was my expectations of an epiphany. There was no epiphany, only near-contentedness, near-harmony, near-peace.
I think in feeling this way, I will be able to have a very good sleep this afternoon, since this is as clear as my conscience has ever been. And this is as truly sleepy as I have ever felt - my hypervigilence, my anxiety, my stress has dissipated for now. I think I actually feel safe, like the universe is cradling me, telling me to go to sleep now, that it will watch over me and take care of everything while I am slumbering. I picture myself in a big hammock in the shade of two tall, old, oak or redwood trees, a soft warm breeze drifting gently off a shimmering lake...the sun sparkling off the mild ripples in the water, and now and then through the high leaves of these grandest of trees...blue sky sprinkled with puffs of the whitest clouds. I am total comfort...I am a mind free of cares. The hammock swings gently, rocking me like a baby in the womb, and I am unconditionally loved by the universe, I am its favourite child. Life has been paused, just now, to finally let me rest.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
I haven’t had any meat since that chicken burger last Saturday. Of course, just avoiding meat doesn’t make me a good vegetarian. I have been eating a lot of junk this week, and I didn’t make it to the farmer’s market to get veggies and fruit. However, I didn’t have any money anyway. Now I do have some cash and I’m planning on going shopping on Tuesday, after the holiday weekend. I want to learn how to cook kale and collards…
I have this roll-out keyboard, and now I’ve got a book with a CD to help me “relearn” how to play. The tough part is finding the time/justification to do it. Apparently the way to keep your brain young is to learn a new language or play music. I’ve always wanted to play the piano better, and I love to sing, so it will be nice to accompany myself with my own hands. I have had a couple guitars, but I always seem to get the ones that bend irreparably and buzz, so now I am switching to keyboards.
I just read an article about fear in this month’s issue of Yoga Journal. I was reading it on the bus and had to pause a number of times in order not to cry – I saw myself in so much of what was written. I am getting the book by the author Tara Brach: Radical Acceptance. She advocates using mindfulness to work through fear, instead of stuffing it or dissociating. I have always known I needed to do something about my fear, because it has ruled so much of my life, my actions and inactions. Now I possibly can gain some insight and tools to work with it. I think the most important thing I learned just from the article is to tell myself that my fear is okay, that I can accept it and learn from it.
I got a bunch of clothes at garage sales and second-hand stores while I was away on vacation. I did end up buying at least 5 items at regular retail stores though. I would say 95% of my wardrobe is second-hand. All my underwear was bought new, I have one second-hand bra, one second-hand bathingsuit, 6 pairs of self-made socks. I have 2 self-made shawls, 3 self-made sweaters. I’m actually doing pretty friggin’ well at this goal already! I would like to have a lot more clothes that I make myself. Hopefully I will be able to get a sewing machine soon and then I can really go at it!
I haven’t had much success stopping myself from doing this every day. It’s not anything really bad, not cutting, but it is still not a good thing. It gives me the same release that cutting does with cutters, but I don’t just do it when I am upset, I do it all the time, every day, at least once a day. It’s become a habit and I start doing it without even realizing I’m doing it, and then I sometimes get mad at myself. It’s so compulsive.
I figure as a birthday present to my country, I will reflect on things about Canada that I am grateful for.
1. Our reputation as “polite” and “friendly”. I am proud that we are known for these characteristics, and I hope we continue, as a nation, to behave in ways that prolong this status.
2. Our size. We are the biggest country in the world, and with a relatively small population, we have some unspoiled land, refuges for wildlife, amazing national and provincial parks, gorgeous scenery ranging from snowcapped mountains to blue Georgian Bay waters, dense forests, rolling farmlands, ocean cliffs…I could go on forever. Canada is a beautiful country that experiences the full range of the four seasons.
3. Universal healthcare. It’s nowhere close to perfect, but I will forever be grateful that I at least can see my doctor when I need to without having to pay for it, that if I ever get injured, surgery is covered, access to the best medicines and technology, and a society open to all alternative health care practices.
4. Our government system. I’m totally ignorant about how things really work, but I’m grateful that we have more options than the two-partied system in the US. I just wish more people would take advantage of having more than two parties. But that’s another tirade.
5. Freedoms. Freedom of speech, dress, religion, ideology, profession, etc. etc. I cannot even fathom living in a society that doesn’t allow these things, that is intolerant, fascist, fundamentalist…I know I am very lucky to have been born here.
- purple shawl (weave in ends)
- 2 hats (ends)
- blue sarong (belt and fringe)
- pink sarong (belt and fringe)
- orange scarf
- white sweater (just needs buttons!)
- Ken & Niki’s afghan
- crochet striped galaxy sweater
- elongate brown wrap
- darn socks – brown, red
- pink pillowcase
A facebook bulletin entry from June 28: “I’m the one who’s stopping myself from being happy and enjoying my life right now. I’m the only one who keeps telling me that I should be different, do different things, to change NOW. Therefore, I’m the one creating the guilt I feel when I don’t live up to these expectations. For whatever reason, I think I should be able to snap my fingers and become this other person. Well it doesn’t work that way, and being hard on myself is actually slowing down my progress by making me depressed. So I’m just going to have to drop these insanely high standards and have faith that I will get where I want to be without ‘should-ing’ myself to death. I have been satisfied living on little steps and faith before, so I know I can do it again.”
To elaborate further, the harder I try to make myself do things, the less I do them. I have this intrinsic rebellion to anything that comes with a “have to” instead of a “want to”. Even when they are things I actually want to do, that desire is overshadowed by the “must” and the “should”, to the point where I just become obstinately paralyzed. Having 42 things plus all the other goal lists, having the list of foods I “can’t” eat, this lists of things I should do, the lists of things I should not do, it is all so constricting I just bust the whole program up by refusing to stick to any of it.
I want to wake up every morning and feel FREE. That won’t happen when I have so many have-to’s. I want to let myself just do what I want to, including things that are on my list of shoulds, but without feeling like I’m fulfilling an obligation, without pressure of having to get up and do the same thing tomorrow. I’ve gotten more good things done when I just do them because I want to. The trick is to accept where I am at, and have faith that I will want to do things that will carry me forward in the right direction. I did the most yoga in my life when I just wanted to do it, not when I told myself I had to do it. I remember saying to a friend “I love yoga, I want to do it ALL THE TIME.” And I was doing it all the time, daily in fact, despite being in University.
There have been a number of times I really felt like swimming, but didn’t. I can talk myself into or out of anything. Trouble is, I usually talk myself into the unhealthy thing and out of the healthy thing. I want to reverse that.
I have been feeling unhappy lately, with days almost as bad as I used to have when I was severely depressed. With this insight, I now attribute these experiences to my incessant “musterbation”. What am I telling myself when I do this? That I am not good enough the way I am. That I am unacceptable and unlovable until I reach that ideal person. I am not paying attention to my process. The harder I push, the less progress I make. It is a hard habit to break, not having faith in yourself to make decisions in present moments. I am so afraid I’ll make the wrong choices each moment, that I plan them ahead of time, and then feel so trapped by them that I rebel.
I know I’ve made the most spiritual, emotional and physical progress in my life when I just let go and enjoyed myself. When I trusted the universe to lead me on the path. So I know there are impulses in me to do good for myself. If I follow them instead of trying to whip myself from behind, I will surely benefit more. I will surely find myself swimming, doing yoga and cooking great meals, just because I want to. I have to let go of the reins, shush my superego, and learn how to FLOW again. I want to live my life from the gut, not the director’s chair.
Did you look back, O Prajnaparamita, as the strand
Sloped to its foamy edge to greet you
And your foot felt for its sandy landfall—
Did you look back and know, hand hard at your lip,
The journey needless;
That from there, looking back across the labouring waters—
Arrival mirroring the setting-forth—
This is the Other Shore?
The above poem, called Nirvana is Samsara, by P.L. Travers, expresses the 2nd century CE monk Nagarjuna’s Madhyamaka philosophy of emptiness (sunyata), with a particular emphasis on non-dualism: the equality of emptiness and form, and the unity of conventional (samsara) and ultimate (nirvana). As is described in the poem, upon enlightenment the individual experiences the knowledge that, in a sense, she has been enlightened all along – “This is the Other Shore”, and that her self and everything else in existence is inherently empty. This paradoxical doctrine states that emptiness is the very condition that makes existence of things possible (McLellan). Just as a noise can only be heard in relative silence, and light can only be seen in contrast with darkness, form can only arise within the context of emptiness.
Nagarjuna’s philosophical discourse intersects with the Buddhist doctrine of trikaya (tri = three). According to H.V. Guenther, kaya, which is usually translated as “body”, refers to an “existential pattern” whose meaning can only be grasped within its “total situation” (39). Put simply, the Buddha shows up or manifests in three ways or three realms.
The first, called nirmanakaya, corresponds to our ordinary, conventional reality, or samsara. At this level, conventional truths hold, such as the statement: “You are holding a piece of paper”. The Buddha appears here in embodied existence – as a human being, or, according to F. Franck, in “any form…Buddha or beggar, St. Francis or a caterpillar, one’s beloved or one’s archenemy” – whatever serves to facilitate the enlightenment of other beings (51).
The second realm, sambhogakaya, is a realm of light and sound – in other words, of vibration – and the Buddha manifests here in a body of pure vibration; pure light (McLellan). This “Body of Bliss” of the Buddha is “within reach of human perception” (Franck 51) – it is possible for some monks who are well-developed and sensitive enough to perceive and even receive teachings from this subtle body, which is said to have thirty-two marks identifying it as Buddha (Gethin 232).
Manifestations such as various Bodhisattvas and Amida Buddha appear in this realm, and function to connect suffering beings in nirmanakaya or samsara to the ultimate truth of the third body of the Buddha, dharmakaya (Franck 52).
Dharmakaya refers to the ultimate, formless realm of totality. “It is the unthinkable Ground, the timeless plenitude and unitary principle of all being and non-being” (Franck 51). This reality is ineffable – it is impossible to transmit knowledge of it; it must be experienced directly (McLellan). Nevertheless, since the death of the historical Buddha (ca. 486 BCE), some scholarly Buddhists have been attempting to describe and understand it on an intellectual level.
To this end, Nagarjuna identifies dharmakaya as emptiness. Expressions of the ultimate truth of this reality, such as “form is emptiness”, appear absurd and paradoxical when explained at a conventional level. But as P. Fenner points out, “there are experiences to be had which do result in an understanding whereby [such] statements…are rendered true…It is in the reality known as [sunyata] that all spiritual paradoxes and inconsistencies are said to be dissolved” (74-76). Further, from the perspective of dharmakaya, the conventional statement “You are holding a piece of paper” is nonsensical, since ultimately there is no difference between you, the paper and the holding – neither you nor the paper exist independently of each other or the infinite number of conditions that arise and result in “you”, “paper” and the specific relation between you and paper, that of “holding”.
Nagarjuna’s explanation of emptiness is elaborate and difficult, but extremely important in Mahayana Buddhism. Madhyamaka means “middle” school (Gethin 237) – Nagarjuna redefines the Buddhist notion of the “middle way” by attempting, not to find the midpoint between extremes of asceticism and gratification (as did the historical Buddha), but by explicating a viewpoint half-way between the extremes of substantialism (or dualism) and nihilism (Gethin 238). To this end, he emphasized the notions of non-duality and “emptiness as the negation of independent self-existence” (Ives 115).
Firstly, Buddhist emptiness has often been accused of nihilism. According to Christopher Ives, however, “Nagarjuna is not arguing that nothing exists or that we live in an illusory nihilistic void, but that there are no independent, unchanging, permanent essences [of things]” (114). Dharmakaya is a reality empty not of everything, but of all things. It is no-thingness, a lack of thingness. In fact, emptiness is the very condition that makes possible the arising, changing, and ceasing to be of everything that exists on the conventional level (McLellan). Emptiness is like the “space” required for things to move, grow, and change. To slightly elaborate Gethin’s explanation (238), theoretically, a thing that has its own nature, i.e. that does not arise conditioned by other things, could never arise – it could never be caused by anything in existence, for then it would be contingent and conditioned (and lacking in self-existence). Further, such an item, if it already existed, could never change, for then it would cease to be itself – it would be something else. Neither could it cease to exist, because it is its own cause, and nothing outside of it could affect it to make it stop causing itself.
Emptiness, then, as the nature of every thing, is the condition that makes existence as things possible. In addition, it is the foundation for the Buddha’s teachings of the Three Characteristics of Existence and the Four Noble Truths: emptiness assures that everything will be impermanent and have the quality of no-self, which in turn are the conditions that make grasping and craving for permanence the cause of suffering.
Secondly, at the fundamental level, the conventional and ultimate realities are one – as the poem above claims, nirvana is samsara; the trikaya is a “triune”, a triple manifestation of “the One” (Franck 49). Nagarjuna’s philosophy explains reality as non-dual emptiness that nevertheless is identical with the myriad things that arise in the ordinary world. Further, dualism arises from discriminatory consciousness. Ordinary awareness creates a subject/object dichotomy that artificially separates “me” from “the world” – everything I perceive as “not-me”. In contrast, according to Fenner, the experience of sunyata is “an awareness, and perhaps just that, which is beyond the ordinary subject/object duality present in our commonsense experiencing. Being beyond the subject/object division, it is experiencing of a more unifying, integrating and metaphysically fundamental nature” (76), in other words, it is a direct knowing of non-dualism and the inherent emptiness of all things.
Furthermore, “[s]unyata then is an immediate non-differentiable wholeness, neither the world nor apart from the world. It is the ‘intrinsic’ nature of the world” (Fenner 77). Since ultimately, every thing has the same nature, and arises interdependently with everything else (through paticca samuppada), any part of the totality of sunyata implies, and is only made possible by, the whole. Moreover, because ultimately no things exist, including the delusions, defilements and ignorance (Fenner 77) that keep ordinary people from realizing their Buddha-natures, ultimately every being is already enlightened. Since nirvana is samsara, the individual who realizes his own Buddha-nature experiences a shift in psychology only – he perceives the world in universal rather than particular terms. “[N]othing changes in moving from the unenlightened to the enlightened state” (Fenner 77) – except perhaps the quality of experience.
Creative Response: A Dialogue about Emptiness
The task of explaining the virtually unexplainable was both challenging and humorous. My “subject” was my mother (whom I will call “D”), a secular woman approaching sixty who has never (to my knowledge) engaged in much reflection about religion. Thus, at the start of our dialogue, D. was not at all familiar with Buddhist thought, but neither did she have pre-conceived ideas about what a religion should be like, nor bias against non-Christian traditions. Incidentally, I think she was probably the closest thing to a “blank slate” as I could have found for this assignment.
I recorded our conversation and later listened to and transcribed it. This process itself served to illuminate subtle nuances of the dialogue that I probably would not have noticed if I had been working from memory. Unfortunately, I do not have space to analyze them all here, so I have included, in an optional appendix, relevant excerpts that the reader might find amusing and revealing. In addition to these subtleties, some difficulties that I had expected to encounter in describing a paradoxical philosophy became evident quite quickly.
To begin with, I found that it is difficult to talk about Nagarjuna’s teachings without making statements that are contradictory, for example: “we are but we’re not” (i.e. actually existing). Similarly, I was forced to make separate statements that directly contradicted each other, for instance: “Ultimately, there are no things” and “But it’s not a total absence of things”. These inconsistencies were bound to happen in light of Nagarjuna’s two levels of truth, since conventional truths seem to most often be ultimately not true. However, D. did not have a problem reconciling these contradictions once she understood the difference between the two levels of reality, a concept that she readily grasped.
Additionally, it was easier for D. to understand the significance of the idea of emptiness once I had explained it in the context of the Four Noble Truths. Without that information, Nagarjuna’s philosophy was seen as an arbitrary abstract theory – in the first part of our conversation, she asked me “Who has to think these things up? Who cares?” By explaining the connections between emptiness, dependent arising, impermanence, and the goal of cessation of suffering, I believe I was able to demonstrate the usefulness of an understanding of sunyata. In the process of explaining them, I realized again how each of these Buddhist doctrines actually imply and follow from one another. It is not just that they all make sense together – rather, they seem to all be different aspects of the same thing.
I did not find any one concept harder to convey than another, but I noticed that it was especially difficult for D. to understand how things arise or come to be out of emptiness, that is, until I explained the doctrine of conditioned arising and the interdependence of all things in detail (not included in the excerpts). After this, she seemed more comfortable with the idea that things happen in complete dependence on other things.
In the end, D. seemed to agree that Buddhist ideas make sense. However, the transmission of understanding could only be as good as my own “sense” of sunyata. I was aided in this (perhaps) by having previously taken a course in Zen Buddhism and done some research into the ideas of voidness and no-self for a research paper. Because of this, I am not sure the information I conveyed to D. corresponded specifically and exactly to Nagarjuna’s teaching of emptiness. There are elements of later Zen thought and Yogacara in my total understanding of Buddhist ultimate reality, elements that I couldn’t separate from each other. Furthermore, I am not sure that D. came to understand emptiness as completely as she thought she did. It was difficult for her to put it into words, and when she did, she could only repeat back the words I had used. Thus, it was hard to determine whether she genuinely understood, or if she was mistaking her own agreeableness to the concepts for actual comprehension.
D. had a number of responses to the notion of emptiness. At first she described it as “weird” and “bizarre”, and seemed to have difficulty (as was to be expected) reconciling the ultimate non-existence of things with the fact that there were things in plain sight all around her, including her. Eventually, however, after a “crash course” in Buddhist dharma, including the ideas of rebirth, merit, craving, and suffering, she came to think of it all as “quite lovely” and is now considering becoming a Buddhist (see Appendix). Works Cited Appendix (Optional: selected excerpts transcribed from the recorded conversation. M: Refers to myself, D: refers to my “subject”)
Fenner, Peter. “Samsara is Nirvana.” Australian Essays in World Religion. Ed. Victor C. Hayes. Bedford Park: Australian Assoc. for the Study of Religions, 1977. 73-82.
Franck, Frederick. “A Buddhist Trinity.” Parabola 14 Wint (1989): 49-54.
Gethin, Rupert. The Foundations of Buddhism. New York: Oxford, 1998.
Guenther, Herbert V. “The Experience of Being: the Trikaya Idea in its Tibetan Interpretation.” Developments in Buddhist Thought. Ed. Roy C. Amore. Waterloo: Laurier, 1979. 38-58.
Ives, Christopher. “Emptiness: Soteriology and Ethics in Mahayana Buddhism.” Concepts of the Ultimate. Ed. Linda J. Tessier. New York: St Martin's, 1989. 113-126.
McLellan, Janet. “Mahayana Philosophies.” Wilfrid Laurier University. Waterloo. 30 Nov. 2004.
Travers, Patricia L. “Nirvana is Samsara.” Parabola 11.2 My (1986): 31.
(Optional: selected excerpts transcribed from the recorded conversation. M: Refers to myself, D: refers to my “subject”)
M: What do you think of when I say emptiness?
D: A hole.
M: This doctrine of emptiness is about ultimate reality, what’s really real.
M: Nagarjuna says there are two levels of truth – conventional truth which is…
D: What you and I believe now.
M: Yes. Regular stuff. And then ultimate truth. The ultimate truth is that none of this is – exists independently of itself. You are empty. Everything is empty, there are no things, ultimately no things. What do you think about that so far?
D: I think it’s pretty weird. (laughs)
M: Are you willing to accept that it might be true?
D: Yep. I’m willing to accept anything might be true.
M: If that is true, what does it mean?
D: Um, that this world is a big empty space, and we’re nothings, I guess.
M: Does that make sense though?
D: Not really but…it’s a new thought and I’m not sure I believe it, but I’m willing to try to understand that it’s a possibility, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense that there’s nothing here. That this is nothing –
M: There’s not exactly nothing, but no-thing. Okay? Emptiness isn’t really empty of everything, it’s just empty of things. Basically there is just a giant flux, a cosmic flux and consciousness is the thing that makes things out of the flux. If you think about it molecularly, there’s a field of molecules, particles, and it’s our consciousness that separates you from the air, from the TV. (D was sitting beside a television set)
D: Okay, alright.
M: So it’s our perception, and the way we perceive things, that makes them into things. When really, ultimately there is just one thing, and its limitless emptiness.
D: So it’s a whole bunch of molecules.
M: Well, no, because you can break down molecules into particles, particles are…ultimately empty as well, because if you break them down…we can see a particle under a microscope, but that’s still [discriminative] consciousness making that particle.
D: This is pretty bizarre that there’s…like…nothing.
D: Okay no-thing.
M: If you think about it, you can’t get outside your head. You can’t look objectively at anything, because you are always in your head. You are always using your awareness to look at anything. If there was no human awareness or no awareness period there would be no things period. Awareness is what makes things.
M: I mean, unless there’s God, because God would have awareness of everything. Then he would create things outside of human consciousness. You know what I’m saying?
M: Well, because He’s aware. He would create something that would exist objectively…if there would a God, it would exist in his awareness, separate from human awareness.
M: Do you understand what I’m saying?
D: Yeah I think so
M: But it’s just a big illusion. It’s a shared illusion, that [for example] that’s a TV. Nothing is permanent, no thing is permanent, everything is always changing, and emptiness is what makes things possible in the first place. Because, if something was independently in itself had its own existence within itself, it could never come to be and it could never cease to be, because as soon as it’s changed, it would not be itself. It would be something else.
D: That’s right. Okay.
M: So, that TV is impermanent, always changing and does not have its own existence, it’s empty of its own existence.
D: Because it’s always changing.
M: Right. And everything is like that.
D: Okay, alright.
M: So explain back to me what you’ve learned so far.
D: That nothing is, anything doesn’t really exist, because it’s always changing. It’s not…there. This is all a theory right?
M: Yeah. Nagarjuna’s explanation.
D: Okay. It’s not there because it’s always changing so it’s not really there. And it wouldn’t ever, and it wasn’t there in the first…no.
M: Well, on a conventional level everything is here.
D: Yeah, I know, but we’re talking about his…
M: Ultimately, there are no things.
D: Yeah, so there’s no television, because it’s always changing and it isn’t there because of that?
M: Well…Okay what’s emptiness then?
D: A no thing. There’s nothing there.
M: But it’s not a total absence of things.
M: It’s emptiness, it’s what makes everything possible.
D: Emptiness makes everything possible because you can make whatever you want…
M: Because the nature of everything is emptiness, and that’s what makes things come into being, change, and then go out of being.
D: The nature of everything is emptiness.
M: Meaning it doesn’t have its own existence, it’s not in itself, it doesn’t create its own, it’s not stable, it’s not permanent. Okay?
D: Alright. Who has to think these things up? Who cares, Michelle? (laughing)
M: I do! I think it’s interesting.
D: Oh my God! Okay. Now I still have to tell you what empty is?
M: Well let me finish.
M: Basically what they are saying at the end is that emptiness is form, and form is emptiness. So that’s what I am trying to explain, how one makes the other possible.
D: Okay so…
M: Eventually they are the same thing. The conventional realm and the ultimate realm is the same realm it’s just…
D: In a different spot in it?
M: It’s not dual, it’s a different perspective maybe. Ultimately, it is emptiness but from our perspective it’s full of things, full of form.
D: Yes, full of forms.
M: But it’s the same, there’s not two different realms or two different worlds, you know, like heaven, it’s all one.
D: Because all of these things that we perceive are usually constantly changing and then go away…
M: Not usually, always.
D: Always. Okay, they’re always changing and they go away and then something else is able to be formed again and then it changes and it goes away, and the going away…um…things couldn’t be formed and go away if there was no emptiness in the first place, if there was nothing, no-thing there in the first place. If there wasn’t an empty space, I’ll just say it’s an empty space, I know it has…
M: But it’s not space.
D: No. Okay. We’ll use the television as an example. At first there was none, in our mind, because physically, no one had invented it. So it’s a nothing, a no-thing. And someone thinks of it, and forms it, and it keeps changing until the point where…because there was no television, someone was able to think it and form it, and it changed and so…is that right? So it’s…there was nothing, and it’s… there was no-thing, there was no television. And if there was, then no one would be able to think it up because it was there already. So…Yes? No? Am I getting it?
M: Well I mean if there was…
D: Okay so if there was no couch, if there was no such thing of a couch, and then someone thinks it up and perceives it…
M: Well it’s not really a matter of…a person is a thing just like any other thing…
D: Right…I know…
M: So it’s not like…I understand what you’re saying, it’s not exactly right I don’t think.
M: Buddhism talks about dependent arising, which is…
D: What does that mean?
M: It means that things…well basically it means the same thing. That things that don’t exist in themselves, they depend on every other thing that’s going on, to arise.
D: To arise, to be?
M: Arose, like come into being. So everything depends on everything conditioned. So that television arose because of the conditions that were going on that conditioned the television, and the human being creating it is part of those conditions. So it’s the awareness that makes it a television, the naming it…so the TV is not independent of anything, especially not the person who sees it as a TV.
D: Right. Right. Right.
M: So. (pause). I don’t know if I got it, I don’t know if I totally understand…so…(laughing)
M: Well I mean, you can’t really understand, it’s not something understandable per se, like you have to experience it directly to really know…
D: And how would you do that?
M: Well you become enlightened.
D: Oh, I see. Have you become enlightened?
M: No. This is what….people meditate for years and years and years. It’s what the Buddha saw on his enlightenment.
D: Oh I see.
M: The emptiness, they see this when they become enlightened, they become this.
D: So Buddhists pray to the Buddha?
(here followed a general discussion of Buddhism: the four noble truths, the realms of rebirth, Bodhisattvas, devotionalism, monks vs. lay people in modern Buddhism, merit, karma etc.)
-2- M: Emptiness is empty even of emptiness.
D: Oh come on now (laughs).
M: Well because emptiness is a concept, and real ultimate reality is beyond conceptual thinking beyond…Conceptual thinking creates dualism. Okay, if I say a word, like “good”, it automatically creates “bad” – “good” does not make sense unless in contrast to “bad”, okay?
M: So any talking or thinking, because thinking is based in language as well, creates dualism which is not ultimately there.
M: So the ultimate reality is both good and bad, and neither good nor bad…it’s like the totality before you get A and not-A. It’s both and neither A and not-A.
D: So emptiness is nothing.
M: No not nothing. It’s no-thingness.
M: But it is also form.
D: Yeah so it’s not empty.
M: No it’s not empty.
D: Okay I got it.
M: Form is inherent in emptiness because that’s where form comes from. But it’s not like emptiness is here and form happens or springs out of emptiness, it happens within the emptiness itself, which is….both conventional reality and ultimate reality. It’s one thing.
D: Form doesn’t spring from emptiness?
M: It does, but it doesn’t happen somewhere else. It happens within the emptiness.
D: No, yes, okay. Right.
M: So emptiness is empty even of emptiness. It’s not nothing it’s not a thing, it’s both empty and not empty and neither empty nor not empty. You know what I mean?
D: Yep, okay.
M: It’s pre-emptiness, pre-conceptual, pre-everything.
D: Yeah okay, I got that.
M: I’m just not sure…Either you do get it, or I’m not explaining it right or I don’t understand it…
D: I really think I get it. And it sounds quite lovely actually!
M: Emptiness is empty even of emptiness.
In the dialogue Euthyphro, Plato raises the question: What is the nature of value? Socrates asks Euthyphro to tell him “that form itself that makes all pious actions pious” (8). Plato’s presupposition of an independently existing form or essence of piety implies a “systematic hierarchical dualism” (Magnus 263). In On the Genealogy of Morality, Nietzsche contends that this metaphysical structure led to the rise of ascetic ideals and the development of the modern universal, unopposed, and sick, morality of Western civilization.
The underlying assumption in Plato’s dialogue is that what is “good” is not a matter of convention or of arbitrary acts of valuing, but derives from an objectively existing Eidos, the Form of the Good. Plato posits a world of Forms such as Piety, Beauty and Justice, which exist independently of the apparent world of corresponding material particulars. The Form of Piety, for example, is what makes possible an understanding of an act of piety as pious – a particular instance of piety is pious only because it participates in the Form. Thus, since the Forms are valuable in themselves and confer value to particulars in the material world, the world of Forms constitutes a superior reality. In other words, Plato’s positioning of an absolute reality in opposition to natural human existence creates a metaphysical dualism that favours the universal over the particular. Moreover, since the universal is independent of, but nevertheless confers value on, the particular, it follows that nothing in the ordinary world is valuable in itself, but depends for its value on the absolute. According to Nietzsche, this moral framework has remained unquestioned and fundamental to every system of morality throughout Western history, though it has taken on different content. For example, in Christianity humans receive their value from an absolute, perfect God. In the Kantian model, the moral absolute is the categorical imperative, which, although inherent in human consciousness, belongs to the realm of the noumena, the unintelligible world, a reality beyond the grasp of human comprehension.
According to Nietzsche, Plato’s location of the source of value in the world of Forms begins an inversion of morality that has plagued humankind ever since. “The error begins with Plato, we are told” (Magnus 282). Instead of the grand, self-affirming “master” morality that belonged to pre-Socratic Greek aristocrats and Homeric heroes, philosophy and religion (especially Christianity) have led to a universal adoption of “slave” morality, a triumph of the weak and sick over the strong and healthy.
According to Nietzsche, it is perfectly natural for philosophers to value the ascetic ideals of poverty, humility and chastity – these are the “truest and most natural conditions of their best existence, of their most beautiful fruitfulness” (76). Elevation of ascetic ideals, for the philosopher, is self-affirmation, an expression of the philosopher’s will to power. To this end, Nietzsche says, most philosophers throughout history have hidden in the ranks of “ascetic priests” (82), where, thanks to the spread of Christianity, ascetic ideals have risen to the universal level.
This system of morality, unfortunately, has had the side effect of making the rest of humankind sick. Ascetic ideals result in a hatred of nature, life, and ordinary existence. This attitude characterizes the "diseasedness" of the modern human, who would, according to Nietzsche, rather “will nothingness than not will [at all]” (67). Ascetic values embody the sick human’s will to live in opposition to his natural condition, to live a life of seeking ego death and self-annihilation into the Absolute (e.g. God). While allowing philosophers and priests to flourish, self-regulation and denial reduces the common man to the state of nihilism and, by contagion, takes the strong man down with him. According to Nietzsche, however, knowledge of the absolute is impossible. “There is only a perspectival seeing, only a perspectival ‘knowing’” (85). Any reality is known only from a perspective, and perspectives are necessarily of a particular subject. Therefore, there can be no knowledge of universals that are independent of particulars. Hierarchical dualisms that assert absolutes, such as Plato’s conception of the Forms, require “that we think an eye that cannot possibly be thought, an eye that must not have any direction, in which the active and interpretive forces through which seeing first becomes seeing-something are to be shut off, are to be absent; thus, what is demanded here is always an absurdity and non-concept for an eye” (85). Thus there is no ultimate referent for morality residing independently in an “other” world. Even if an independent absolute exists, it cannot possibly have any affect on perspectival living, since it is impossible to know and relate to it. Thus, what we are left with is a multitude of interpretations, a multitude of perspectives. The ascetic ideal is one perspective on the nature of value. However, Nietzsche contests that the ascetic interpretation has become the unchallenged perspective of Western morality, and so appears to be absolute.
In response to the complete dominance of ascetic ideals, Nietzsche asks “where is the opposing will in which an opposing ideal expresses itself?” (106) Opposition is not to be found in science, because science presupposes “a metaphysical value, a value in itself of truth” (110). Science presumes that truth is an absolute, and an unconditionally good one. Thus, ascetic ideals find opposition not in science, says Nietzsche, but in pre-Socratic uncorrupted art: “Plato contra Homer: that is the complete, genuine antagonism” (111). For Nietzsche, the ancient Greek heroes depicted in the Homeric epics represent an alternative morality that he finds preferable.
This “heroic” morality is generously self-affirming and says "yes" to both the glories and the tragedies of physical, this-worldly existence. For example, Achilles’ will to power was best served by a glorious death in battle and eternal fame rather than a long, comfortable, and unsung, life. On the other hand, Odysseus turned down an eternal life of pleasure with Calypso (i.e. heaven), and weathered years of misadventures to return to his ordinary human existence in Ithaca. The ancient hero’s integrity lay in the acknowledgment that the individual will is the source of value; the “good” is that which best expresses the individual will to power.
The implication for Plato of Nietzsche’s attack on ascetic ideals is the denial of any objective source of the “good”; denial of the Forms and a collapse of the opposition between universal and particular. “Universality is, for Nietzsche, interesting pretense. Instead, we will be required to talk about the utility of morality” (Magnus 269). In effect, Nietzsche undercuts Plato’s inquiry into the nature of value, by denying that value has any “nature” (i.e. ontological grounding) at all. The “good” is what is useful to the individual will to power – value derives from utility. To believe otherwise – that is, to believe and adhere to absolutes – is in “bad conscience”: one holds oneself in an absolute relation of obligation to an ideal that is not absolute, but merely endorsed by oneself, while denying that this is the case. In other words, Nietzsche implies that the source of value is the act of valuing itself, the endorsement of the ideal, which is, for the common human, a matter of convention. Thus, in Plato’s language, the pious is really pious only because the gods (or perhaps philosophers and priests) love it.
Magnus, Bernd. “Aristotle and Nietzsche: Megalopsychia and Uebermensch.” The Greeks and the Good Life. Ed. David J. Depew. Fullerton: California State, 1980. 260-295.
Nietzsche, Friedrich. On the Genealogy of Morality. Trans. Maudemarie Clark and Alan J. Swenson. Indianapolis: Hackett, 1998.
Plato. “Euthyphro.” Five Dialogues. Trans. G.M.A. Grube. Indianapolis: Hackett, 2002. 1-20.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I ate a chicken burger at my friend’s house on Saturday (her husband had made it especially for me because he knows I don’t like to eat beef), but other than that, I haven’t had any meat since I’ve been home from my vacation, 8 days now. It’s not that hard, since I never did buy meat to cook at home anyway. I don’t miss meat at all really. I do have a hard time saying no when people offer it to me. I feel bad because I think they don’t know how to make a meatless meal. Another set back is the information I’ve learned about soy, that unless it’s fermented (as in tempeh or miso) it contains enzyme inhibitors which make it very difficult to digest. I still have some soy milk coupons, but I’m off tofu and I’ll soon be switching to rice milk. Not being able to use tofu definitely makes things harder, especially if I’m going off dairy too. I’m going to try more goat dairy and/or organic dairy and see if I react as poorly. I think becoming vegan is a little to extreme right now, I’m just trying to focus on eating healthier, but I don’t want to get that deprived feeling and then end up giving up.
Well, my lens got smashed on my camera, but luckily I was given (very generously) a replacement. I have taken quite a few pictures with the new camera, but I don’t have the right cord to hook it up to my computer yet, so the pictures are still on the camera.
Well, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but not by choice. I definitely did not get enough sleep, and I felt so totally horrible. I did not start to feel better until about 7:00pm. I’m really questioning whether I shouldn’t just go with the flow and accept the fact I’m a night person. Why should I torture myself, feel guilty and everything just because my energy is better at night, and I have this idea that getting up early makes you a better person or healthier or something. What’s healthy is to be in tune with your body, not force it to meet some mold that’s not right for you. So, obviously, I’m still dealing with a lot of ambivalence.
I did an online guided meditation yesterday, which lasted 11 minutes. My body was extremely uncomfortable in an unusual way. I felt queasy, nauseous. It was very difficult to keep my attention on my body parts as directed while I was feeling like that, but I did my best. Gotta start somewhere, right? And I think that doing the online ones will keep me motivated, because at least I will have some guidance as to what I should be doing. It is easier to stay focused when there is a voice telling you what to focus on every minute or so.
I was doing well for a couple days, but today I felt so awful I totally broke down and ate a bunch of junk. I’m not beating myself up about it though. The idea is to have more and more days where I eat well, and less where I don’t. So one day falling off the wagon doesn’t mean I give up at all. I just keep starting afresh each day. I think I need to do a detox fast very soon. That may help.
1. Kids – they take you out of yourself. Babysitting also gives me a chance to be responsible for someone other than myself, which is a good feeling. It’s about the only time I really feel “grown up”, and that’s great. I love being young at heart but it’s also nice to experience another aspect of my self.
2. Insight. When I figure something out, it feels like a piece of this grand, confusing puzzle has slid into place. Of course it’s only a small part, and the feeling goes away in the chaos that is my life process, but it gives me a new perspective and angle at which to approach living. Today I realized my priorities weren’t working for me – that I want to focus on becoming financially independent before I can really get down to healing myself. I’ve tried to force myself to focus on healing first, but it is just not working, and all I was left with were feelings of guilt because I couldn’t get myself to stick with it. Plus, if I have more money, I can actually get proper help, and therefore my healing will have a better chance at being successful and sustainable. I’d love to be able to afford massage, chiropractic, yoga classes and swim passes. I think those things would help immensely.
3. Free online help, specifically audio recordings of guided meditations and breathing exercises. I think they will be a big help getting started being able to sit.
4. Buddha. I just love his teachings. I love that at the core, Buddhism is so simple and “unreligious”. I’m not talking about the ten thousand things that his teachings developed into, the deities and monasteries and mandalas and such, but the very basic things that he taught: the four noble truths, the three characteristics of existence, the eightfold path. They explain everything, and are the only tools a person needs to achieve spiritual progress. Everything else in buddhism follows from them, and it is all very interesting and amazing, but one can return to the basics to find the golden nugget of pure truth, and it’s so refreshing and inspiring every time.
5. Blue skies. Sometimes just looking up can release you from your self-created prison. I look up, I open up, I let go.
Friday, June 15, 2007
I’ve read 1 and a half books I own. the first is The Longevity Diet, and right now I’m in the middle of the Shrodinger’s Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson. It will definitely be one I revisit – it is so dense with…hmmm…references, philosophy, insight, satire, information…
I meditated yesterday for about 10 minutes. I can pat myself on the back, even though my motivation for it was that I was feeling so down and nothing else was working. It didn’t really help my mood much, but hey, I did it. I focused on breath. I haven’t been able to find one thing to focus on that really helps, I’ve tried soham mantra, concentrating on the third eye, feeling light…but I think all of this stuff is just a diversion. I will use breath from now on, even though I haven’t had any success with it. I know it takes time and practice.
I’ve missed a few weeks here, since I’ve been on vacation, and the week leading up to it was unbelievably hectic. I start afresh:
1. Trees. For being beautiful, creating fresh oxygen, and often connecting me with the Source, giving me a renewed sense of awe at the ‘just-so-ness’ of nature.
2. My spirit animals – rabbits and herons. Whenever i see one, I automatically take time to pause and reflect at what I am doing in that moment. I often think that they are telling me I am on the right path.
3. Utne magazine. The articles are about things I should know, but never bother to learn about. They keep a reader on their toes, encourage independent thinking, and uncover different perspectives on really important issues. Definitely a tool for developing a more enlightened mind. Oh, and the book reviews are great for suggesting reads that I wouldn’t normally come across.
4. The internet. I was discussing the other day how my curiosity is instantly satisfied by the internet. How I lived with all those unanswered questions before the web, I’ll never know. Today I looked up restless leg syndrome.
5. The people on 43 things. I’ve had more encouragement from them than from my family and friends. It is fantastic to be a part of a community who are dedicated to helping each other meet our goals. Thank you!
I read the book! Didn’t really learn anything new, but I’ll keep it as a source of motivation to stick to the diet. I am on vacation right now, and have my meals cooked for me, so I am not in a position to control the content. But as soon as I get home I’m planning on starting. I’m going to make a list of the best CR foods, ones with the highest nutrient content, lowest g.i. level and fewest calories. Oh and highest fibre. I’ll also join the CR society on their website at http://calorierestriction.org/
Monday, May 28, 2007
I’m completely backwards right now. I didn’t sleep last night, and I slept today from 10am to 6pm, but to be fair, I was sick.
eating my dinner mindfully that is. But I was watching 24 and didn’t want to wait. Terrible, I know. But I did notice how good my stir-fry was, and I noticed that I wasn’t eating mindfully, so that’s somethin’ I guess.
Not a good start, but to defend myself (against my superego) I was having really bad stomach cramps and didn’t even get any sleep. I missed today too, since it’s already past midnight, but there’s still some residual cramping. Obviously I didn’t make it to the community yoga class today. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a bit more energy and my stomach will be settled. I’d hate to think I was getting an ulcer.
1. Chamomile tea. This is the tea that got me started drinking tea, since I couldn’t take the fruity types. It’s just good for everything. I wish I could drink it every day but apparently you aren’t supposed to, since it can cause allergies to ragweed (same plant family).
2. The body’s ability to heal itself. I can’t think of a more fantastic thing than that.
3. Friends who care. I’ve had some nice sympathy and caring remarks from a few people during this horrible weekend. It is really nice just to know they wish me well.
4. My vitamix. I made a really cool raspberry sherbet for dessert tonight! It’s so easy and takes only a minute with the vitamix.
5. My meds. I hate having to take them, but I have to give them props today, for taking away the worst of my aches and giving me enough energy to actually make a healthy meal.
Well, I did not have much choice, since I have no money and no animal products at home, but I ate no meat or dairy today. I actually made this awesome stirfry:
I sauteed the onions and garlic in olive oil, and then added a little ginger tea to cook the rest of the vegetables. I added sea salt at the end, and served it on a bed of organic lettuce. It was the best stirfry I’ve made in years, and it was only with the stuff I had left in my vegetable drawer! Very healthy too, I must say.
For dessert I made a kind of raspberry sherbert thing in my vitamix – frozen raspberries, a little tofu, cranberry pomegranite juice, splenda and ice cubes. It was pretty good and only took a minute!
This past weekend I think I hit my bottom when it comes to food. I was up all last night with stomach cramps, terrible ones. I’ve had them before – 3 years ago they sent me to the hospital. I did a lot of breathing and rubbing my stomach and chamomile tea seemed to help a bit. I think I am just seriously run down, and have really been filling myself with junk lately. I made a promise to myself that I will NEVER let myself feel this bad again. I want to remember this weekend. I want it to be pivotal, as hitting bottom is for alcoholics. I feel so very toxic, and I am through with feeling that way.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
I bought energy-efficient lightbulbs yesterday for my table lamps. Step by step…
Well, if the name isn’t taken. My idea is to do Karuna meditation with each piece to infuse it with compassion, healing or whatever else I can think of. I can do different meditations by request. I think this is an original idea (PLEASE DON’T STEAL IT), so it will increase the value of my work and maybe make the world a little better place. Of course, I can’t make any guarantees about the quality of my karuna…but I’m sure it will become more powerful as time goes on. I’m toying with the idea of doing it AS I’m knitting, as opposed to spending an hour with each piece afterward. Or maybe doing them in piles. I don’t know.
To make it official, I want to register the business, start book-keeping etc. I plan on selling at craft shows and markets, as well as on a website and e-bay. But one thing at a time. I have a number of pieces to finish up and some things I want to make for myself before I start really cranking it out. I would love to have a good size inventory by the end of the year, but that’s asking a lot. It will depend on how much the knitting machine can help me go quicker, how much time I spend on embellishing, and how much time I can spend working each day. Some of my other goals my help with time, some may interfere, so my 40 odd things is always a work in progress.
I’m trying to change my attitude towards yoga. I want to learn to see it as a tool for spiritual growth and healing rather than exercise. In my practice I want to focus on breathing and being in tune with my body rather than trying to “work out”, push myself or attain “perfect postures”. I would like to include chanting, pranayama and sitting meditation into my practice as well as asana. I think it would help if I studied yoga philosophy as well, and tie it in with my ayurvedic study. I want to spend at least 2 hours a day involved in yoga, perhaps more, perhaps split into several sessions. I would also like to vary my activities and see if there are methods of yogic walking.
I am interested in vedanta and developing all four yogas – jnana, raja, bhakti and karma. I want to find personal ways to accomplish these factors, ones that are comfortable and practical to where I am in my process. For instance, I don’t see myself bringing milk to a deity at a hindu temple, or volunteering for habitat for humanity! I have been resistant to the karmic and bhakti paths in the past, but I am starting to open up to them. I will have to do more research, but it is possible that singing kirtan can be my bhakti, and infusing my knits with karuna (compassion) by meditating with them can be karma. Also, asana can serve as bhakti – caring for my body, prana and the divine within. Asana can also be raja if I include meditative poses and generally attain a meditative state while I practice. Jnana will only be difficult to fit in because I like reading about so many different things. I will probably have to put some other interests aside for now, but I think ayurveda can be part of my jnana practice.
If my social plans fall through tomorrow I am going to try to go to the community class at Atlas studio. I am a little less comfortable going to that studio than the Queen street one, but I think I can get over that. Living within blocks of both studios is great, because they seem to be quite different in the types of classes, schedules and fee options. But I am glad they both have community classes.
I still haven’t done my surya namaskara today, but I will before I go to bed, which will be soon.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
1. That my dog loves to cuddle. It’s the only contact I get regularly, and it’s very comforting.
2. The people who own the convenience store I go to. They treat me like I’m their favourite person, though I know they give the same attention to all their regulars. They are so friendly and like to joke around and I ALWAYS leave there with a big smile on my face.
3. Crystal Clear Water. I can’t describe how much more refreshing their filtered 6 ways water is than other bottled water. Don’t even talk to me about tap water, I can’t drink it at all! CC water tastes so healthy and clean, and since I drink a lot of water I really appreciate it! Plus it’s pretty cheap if you fill your own containers – and better for the environment that way.
4. Anything that warms up my feet – thick socks, slippers, heating pads, water bottles, massage, sticking them under my dog :) Last night they were so painful but I was able to warm them up with my hands and get the circulation going enough to fall asleep.
5. Dollar stores. They’re so convenient – yesterday I needed a phone line splitter and just popped in there to get one, for a buck. If I went to an electronic store I probably would’ve paid five bucks for the exact same one. Dollar stores are great for gift wrap, dishes, and kids toys that don’t cost you an arm and a leg. The kids don’t know you only spent five bucks on them!
I believe that the universe conspires to help you when you are going down the right path, but my faith took it’s first recorded blow yesterday when I tried to go to the Community Yoga class at my local studio. It was cancelled – the instructor said they NEVER cancel, except this one time – the last class of the teachers in training who instruct the drop-in. It took me a year to work up the courage to go – I have a very strong fear of being judged because of my weight, even with my social anxiety improvements. I was quite upset about it. But I did manage to do some stretching yesterday.
So I’m going to try to go to another class soon, but in the meantime I’m setting the subgoal of doing at least one sun salutation a day. I will do it this afternoon or before I go to bed today.
Friday, May 25, 2007
1. Effexor. I can actually look people in the eyes, and talk to people I haven’t seen in years! I no longer feel disconnected, isolated, alienated…and so less depressed. I even enjoy strange old ladies.
2. Increasing daylight and warmer weather. If I had to live in perpetual winter, I think I would, well, decide not to live. Spring brings all those smells you forget, and the sky opens with endless possiblities. You can just enjoy walking around outside, without any destination.
3. That I don’t have a crappy job which would also make me not want to live. I’ve got to do something meaningful, something I like, and something I’m good at. I don’t like being an expendable ensign.
4. Animals. They just make me smile, no matter what.
5. Forgiveness. I thought I’d burned a lot of bridges with a lot of people, but that’s turning out not to be true. Now, I just need to forgive myself a little more!
Goal: Journal regularly.
I guess it does. I’m writing a tonne about my life and activities just on 43things and Blogger. I really do miss the pen and paper thing though.
Well, I stayed up late last night watching movies and organizing my favourites on my computer. I was so exhausted from getting up early I could barely move, and had trouble getting to sleep. This morning I woke up at 10 am, which is not so bad I guess considering my usual time is after 12, sometimes WAY after 12. I think I might try having an afternoon nap on the days I get up at 8 or earlier.
I took it out of the bathroom today and thought about starting to put it together. I don’t know why it scares me so much. I think I’m afraid of getting frusterated with it.
I’ve read a couple books about single stigmatization, the best one is called “Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored” by Bella Depaulo Ph.D. It really made me start thinking about this issue as an issue. I realized that I co-operate with the stigma by making fun of myself for being single, when really it’s a personal choice I’ve made and there’s nothing wrong with it. Apparently, older women who’ve always been single are the happiest people, tied with those who’ve stayed married. So there’s no benefit in being married in terms of happiness.
I’ve also visited a website long ago about people who choose to remain childess. I’m sure they are stigmatized as well, left out of gatherings with their other coupled friends because there’s no kids to bring along.
I’m thinking about starting a Causes group for this on Facebook. But I think I have to find a suitable charity foundation for donations! I’m not sure there’s one out there yet, and I’m not up to creating one. Maybe someday.
on the internet yesterday. I first went to www.edacwr.com and got some information on programs available from www.nedic.ca on a program running in several places in Southwestern Ontario. I can self-refer to the one out of Guelph, so the next step is to call them. It’s an out-patient program, covered by OHIP, so that’s good. I can probably get transportation covered by ODSP if I have to go out of town.
However, I binged crazily yesterday too, so I guess my efforts were neutralized in a way. I woke up this morning with a carb hangover.
I ate pea soup semi-mindfully. At least it was at the kitchen table, that’s a start.
I joined a couple environmentally-oriented causes on Facebook, including Stop Global Warming and the Green Challenge or something. I’m pretty poor so I don’t consume a lot, I recycle every scrap of paper and everything else that’s recyclable, I buy stuff from second-hand stores. I wish I could afford fair trade things and organic produce but I’m not at that point financially yet. I’m lucky I live in a new building which was designed to be somewhat energy efficient. I don’t own a car, so I walk or take the bus. I have fibromyalgia so riding my bike is too painful. I’d like to get a moped or even a more comfortable bicycle someday. I try not to get too many bags at the grocery store, but the ones I do get I reuse or recycle.
I’ve tried to change my cat litter to more environmentally friendly types, like recycled newspaper (Yesterdays News brand), those crystal kinds, wood shavings etc. but none of them work very well – they either track more, smell worse, or don’t clump (which makes you have to use more), than clay (which is strip-mined). I’ve heard about wheat litter but haven’t been able to find it at any stores here (ontario).
I try to buy food in bulk or that has less packaging. I also try to buy more fresh and local foods, but since I am only one person, they go bad very quickly and going to the store everyday isn’t good for the environment either, since i have to take the bus. I try to avoid buying anything plastic, especially containing PVC.
I worry a lot about the coming weather changes, keep reminding people who consume more about global warming, and get angry at politicians who aren’t doing enough, though I don’t know if any of that is helpful! I give energy-saving coupons to my family if I can’t use them, to encourage them to make small changes. I like to learn about new products and energy systems. I watch documentaries about the environment and try to stay informed. I don’t feel like I’m doing nearly enough, but I’m doing what I can with such limited finances!
I joined a couple of animal rights causes on facebook, and invited some other people. Since I can’t afford to donate money, I’m going to have to figure out how else I can help!
Animal rights has always been a cause I’m interested in. I can watch human violence on t.v. and hardly blink, but if I see an animal being abused, my heart cracks wide open and bleeds. It hurts so much, because they are so helpless and I can’t understand how anyone can look at an animal and want to exploit it instead of care for it. I know that some people just don’t care for animals, but being disinterested is not the same as being cruel. These people don’t have pets or work with animals, so they’re not doing any harm. But someone who purposefully gets involved with an animal and then hurts or neglects it is flatly an immoral, unethical person.