Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Vegetarian Goal

I ate a chicken burger at my friend’s house on Saturday (her husband had made it especially for me because he knows I don’t like to eat beef), but other than that, I haven’t had any meat since I’ve been home from my vacation, 8 days now. It’s not that hard, since I never did buy meat to cook at home anyway. I don’t miss meat at all really. I do have a hard time saying no when people offer it to me. I feel bad because I think they don’t know how to make a meatless meal. Another set back is the information I’ve learned about soy, that unless it’s fermented (as in tempeh or miso) it contains enzyme inhibitors which make it very difficult to digest. I still have some soy milk coupons, but I’m off tofu and I’ll soon be switching to rice milk. Not being able to use tofu definitely makes things harder, especially if I’m going off dairy too. I’m going to try more goat dairy and/or organic dairy and see if I react as poorly. I think becoming vegan is a little to extreme right now, I’m just trying to focus on eating healthier, but I don’t want to get that deprived feeling and then end up giving up.

Taking pictures

Well, my lens got smashed on my camera, but luckily I was given (very generously) a replacement. I have taken quite a few pictures with the new camera, but I don’t have the right cord to hook it up to my computer yet, so the pictures are still on the camera.

Mornings

Well, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but not by choice. I definitely did not get enough sleep, and I felt so totally horrible. I did not start to feel better until about 7:00pm. I’m really questioning whether I shouldn’t just go with the flow and accept the fact I’m a night person. Why should I torture myself, feel guilty and everything just because my energy is better at night, and I have this idea that getting up early makes you a better person or healthier or something. What’s healthy is to be in tune with your body, not force it to meet some mold that’s not right for you. So, obviously, I’m still dealing with a lot of ambivalence.

11 minute meditation

I did an online guided meditation yesterday, which lasted 11 minutes. My body was extremely uncomfortable in an unusual way. I felt queasy, nauseous. It was very difficult to keep my attention on my body parts as directed while I was feeling like that, but I did my best. Gotta start somewhere, right? And I think that doing the online ones will keep me motivated, because at least I will have some guidance as to what I should be doing. It is easier to stay focused when there is a voice telling you what to focus on every minute or so.

Eating plan

I was doing well for a couple days, but today I felt so awful I totally broke down and ate a bunch of junk. I’m not beating myself up about it though. The idea is to have more and more days where I eat well, and less where I don’t. So one day falling off the wagon doesn’t mean I give up at all. I just keep starting afresh each day. I think I need to do a detox fast very soon. That may help.

Gratitude

1. Kids – they take you out of yourself. Babysitting also gives me a chance to be responsible for someone other than myself, which is a good feeling. It’s about the only time I really feel “grown up”, and that’s great. I love being young at heart but it’s also nice to experience another aspect of my self.

2. Insight. When I figure something out, it feels like a piece of this grand, confusing puzzle has slid into place. Of course it’s only a small part, and the feeling goes away in the chaos that is my life process, but it gives me a new perspective and angle at which to approach living. Today I realized my priorities weren’t working for me – that I want to focus on becoming financially independent before I can really get down to healing myself. I’ve tried to force myself to focus on healing first, but it is just not working, and all I was left with were feelings of guilt because I couldn’t get myself to stick with it. Plus, if I have more money, I can actually get proper help, and therefore my healing will have a better chance at being successful and sustainable. I’d love to be able to afford massage, chiropractic, yoga classes and swim passes. I think those things would help immensely.

3. Free online help, specifically audio recordings of guided meditations and breathing exercises. I think they will be a big help getting started being able to sit.

4. Buddha. I just love his teachings. I love that at the core, Buddhism is so simple and “unreligious”. I’m not talking about the ten thousand things that his teachings developed into, the deities and monasteries and mandalas and such, but the very basic things that he taught: the four noble truths, the three characteristics of existence, the eightfold path. They explain everything, and are the only tools a person needs to achieve spiritual progress. Everything else in buddhism follows from them, and it is all very interesting and amazing, but one can return to the basics to find the golden nugget of pure truth, and it’s so refreshing and inspiring every time.

5. Blue skies. Sometimes just looking up can release you from your self-created prison. I look up, I open up, I let go.

Friday, June 15, 2007

So far so good

I’ve read 1 and a half books I own. the first is The Longevity Diet, and right now I’m in the middle of the Shrodinger’s Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson. It will definitely be one I revisit – it is so dense with…hmmm…references, philosophy, insight, satire, information…

I did it!

I meditated yesterday for about 10 minutes. I can pat myself on the back, even though my motivation for it was that I was feeling so down and nothing else was working. It didn’t really help my mood much, but hey, I did it. I focused on breath. I haven’t been able to find one thing to focus on that really helps, I’ve tried soham mantra, concentrating on the third eye, feeling light…but I think all of this stuff is just a diversion. I will use breath from now on, even though I haven’t had any success with it. I know it takes time and practice.

Gratitude

I’ve missed a few weeks here, since I’ve been on vacation, and the week leading up to it was unbelievably hectic. I start afresh:

1. Trees. For being beautiful, creating fresh oxygen, and often connecting me with the Source, giving me a renewed sense of awe at the ‘just-so-ness’ of nature.

2. My spirit animals – rabbits and herons. Whenever i see one, I automatically take time to pause and reflect at what I am doing in that moment. I often think that they are telling me I am on the right path.

3. Utne magazine. The articles are about things I should know, but never bother to learn about. They keep a reader on their toes, encourage independent thinking, and uncover different perspectives on really important issues. Definitely a tool for developing a more enlightened mind. Oh, and the book reviews are great for suggesting reads that I wouldn’t normally come across.

4. The internet. I was discussing the other day how my curiosity is instantly satisfied by the internet. How I lived with all those unanswered questions before the web, I’ll never know. Today I looked up restless leg syndrome.

5. The people on 43 things. I’ve had more encouragement from them than from my family and friends. It is fantastic to be a part of a community who are dedicated to helping each other meet our goals. Thank you!

Longevity Diet

I read the book! Didn’t really learn anything new, but I’ll keep it as a source of motivation to stick to the diet. I am on vacation right now, and have my meals cooked for me, so I am not in a position to control the content. But as soon as I get home I’m planning on starting. I’m going to make a list of the best CR foods, ones with the highest nutrient content, lowest g.i. level and fewest calories. Oh and highest fibre. I’ll also join the CR society on their website at http://calorierestriction.org/

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I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.