Thursday, May 24, 2007

I Love It!

I don’t know what it is about blues, but it’s so much better live. I used to go see Mel Brown regularly, and enjoyed a number of other blues guitarists, including a friend I used to have. Every year there is a blues festival right outside my building in the summer, so I always go to that. I’d like to go to bars to see live blues music, but I don’t have any friends here who have this interest. So part of my goal would be to find a friend or two to join me, since I don’t like going alone.

What I mean by companion:

I see a lot of people using this word to describe a same-sex romantic partner, but that’s not how I’m using it. Though I’m “heteroflexible” (my new favourite word), what I’m looking for is friendship first, someone to be my “main” person, and I’d be theirs. This could be with a man or a woman. A sexual/romantic relationship would be a bonus, but is not necessary. We’d share most things with each other, perhaps even live together. If it were to be a platonic relationship, it would still have a level of commitment that we’d trust each other not to just run off with someone else, or let someone else take over our lives. We’d be committed to being single. Though open to love relationships with others, we’d share the characteristics of being very picky, seldom dating. We would expect to be together for years, but wouldn’t begrudge one another getting married or something like that. Ours wouldn’t be a relationship of convenience, one we were in while we were waiting for Mr. or Miss Right to come along. We’d be satisfied with our lives the way they were and take our relationship seriously. Of course it would be great if it turned out that this companion and I were in love and that’s that, but it’s more important to me just to have the intimacy of a deeply committed friendship.

Now I’ve laid the foundation for what I want. I am happy with my life as a single person right now, but it would definitely be enriched by sharing it with a like-minded other.

This has been my dream

for years. I want to move into a van, preferably a VW, and just drive, stopping at whim to experience whatever is there to experience. I love BC, so I know it would be great. I had this whole idea that I was just going to drive around in my van and write articles about my spiritual seeking experiences and sell them to magazines…I even had a name for myself “Van Mystic”... I’d also sell crafts from the back of the van, offer yoga instruction and/or do tarot readings for people I met on the way.

Well even if I never get to do this for a living, I’m still planning to do this particular drive. I may even decide to come back up along the East Coast, thereby circling the continent.

This goal for now is just an intention. I don’t have a car, let alone a van, and I am not yet financially able to support myself. Plus I’m not healthy enough to be on the road for such a long stretch…cuz I’d want to sleep in the van or camp sometimes, and my body doesn’t agree with anything but a good bed!

I have a person in mind

but it’s a secret for now. It’s been so long, and I’m not sure I’m ready. But I have been a lot better socially lately, so I am not worried about an actual date – it’s just the stuff that may come after, e.g. a relationship, that scares me. I’m afraid of losing myself again, that I will not be strong enough to stay me in the face of wanting approval and/or to be liked. This is really important to me.

Sewing Machine

I’ll have to get one. I think I’ll ask for one for my birthday this August. I want to add fabric pieces to my knitted items, and I also want to try making “guru skirts” (see http://www.wearguru.com – though last time I checked the site was under construction). I bought one in Nova Scotia a month ago and I love it, they’re beautiful and rather simple pattern-wise.

Apparently

there is an eating disorders program at my hospital, so I am going to check it out. I’m always embarrassed to be around people who have anorexia or even bulimia because they’re so thin, whereas I have binge eating disorder, which makes you fat cuz you don’t purge. It’s like I have the “loser” e.d. Nice self-talk, huh? Well, I’ve admitted it, that’s the first step. I went to Overeater’s Anonymous a few years ago – one or two meetings but I felt a little weird about it. Perhaps I should give that a try again.

Today

I got up at 7:30! I got tonnes of stuff done this morning too, cleaned my apartment and did some errands I have been putting off. I think if I’m going to get up early, I can’t take my sleeping pill. I didn’t last night and was able to wake up. I went without the pill for a month last summer but got so run down and my fibromyalgia flared up. So we’ll have to see if I can strike a balance between getting up early and sleeping enough.

I'm ambivalent

about even trying to do this. Part of me thinks I’m just wired to be a night person, and the other part thinks I’d be healthier if I got up with the sun. Some mornings I just can’t get up. If I have an appointment I usually can, but I can’t set appointments with myself and stick to them… It’s literally painful to wake up when I’m not ready. I don’t sleep well at all, and I usually have crazy dreams in the morning – two opposing factors in my struggle to decide whether I should even try this. I used to get up at 5:30 am to go to swim practice, but that was half my lifetime ago and even then I was barely conscious and totally grumpy.

did them

again today. There was only one rackful this time, so I think it was the perfect amount. If I cook more, I use more dishes, so I’ll have to do them more often.

Did them all today

But now I just have to keep it up. You’d think it wouldn’t be hard since I’m only one person, but I just let them pile up until I have no counter space left (I don’t have much to begin with). I don’t cook much either but I’m going to start using my new recipe books soon, so there will be more dishes to do.

I've had an online business

for a year now, but haven’t made a profit yet. I’m having a set back because I can’t open my products file and the supplier won’t help. I should be able to do it after father’s day – then I’m going gung ho and putting another couple hundred products up. Then I’ll add shipping to Canada. After that, I will get back to link exchanges. Then the thing should run itself, and hopefully I can pay off the business and start getting income!

This month

I’ve had 4 true orders – two pairs of socks, a shawl and a shrug. One pair of socks is in trade for a dinner we already had, and one was with the great orange sock yarn from Cloth and Clay – charging $35 which is still not what they are worth hours wise. I found a website that shows how to knit socks on the machine, so that should make things easier once I complete the goal of learning how to use it. The shawl is also $35, and so far I’ve gotten $45 for the shrug – which I designed myself – and am hoping to get $15 more. I’ve also made a soap holder which I threw out because it sucked, and am working on a cotton towel – teaching myself to knit using the combination technique which is supposed to be faster once you can do it well. I also started the striped galaxy crochet sweater but have had to put it aside due to the orders.

Well now

I’ve misplaced my camera, so I’m going backwards in progress! My place is pretty tiny so I can’t imagine where it could be. I’ll have to dig through all my bags to see if it’s stuck in one of those!

Nephew's birthday

and I was too damn lazy to get my camera out. Besides, everyone else was taking pictures, so I can just get them to email them to me…

Forgot

I was at my friend’s house yesterday and totally forgot to take pictures of her kids before they went to bed. Grrr.

Right now...

I am in the middle of “The Wisdom of Healing”. It’s a bit dry but supposedly comprehensive. I’m a little confused about whether I should avoid my dosha’s food or consume it – and whether I have any real imbalances and what to do about it.

gave up on the book for now

I just haven’t had time to read lately, so I had to take the book back to the library. I did look up Ayurvedic daily routines online, and found a great website – Maharishi Ayurveda or something like that. They seem to have a lot of good info. I find it really hard to do anything in the morning before eating because I always feel weak, but they suggest giving yourself an oil massage, bathing, doing yoga and meditation before eating! They also want you to get up before dawn, which I think is a bit much.

First, I need to read the book!

I have the book “Longevity Diet”, which is the only book recommended by CR followers. So the first thing to do is to read it. I also want to combine eating this way with Ayurvedic reccomendations for my dosha (Pitta, Vata). Today I did really well without reading the book, I ate yogurt, a bran muffin, Omega juice, salad with nuts and dried fruit, and a kiwi-berry-banana health shake with Vega powder. I did have one pop, but this is by far the healthiest eating day I’ve had in a very long time!

Power Yoga!

I was very into yoga last year, and I want to start practicing daily again. I want to very gradually work into the entire Astanga series 1 as presented in Beryl Bender Birch’s Power Yoga. I have the DVD and the book!

backfire

the more I think about doing the positive things that I want to do – eat right, do yoga, meditate etc. the more I am doing the exact opposite. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I know how great I feel when I do the right things, but it’s like I have a most stubborn side that just says no for the sake of saying no. At that side is winning at the moment. Well, I’m doing well today so far, so that’s good. One day at a time.

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I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.