I ate a chicken burger at my friend’s house on Saturday (her husband had made it especially for me because he knows I don’t like to eat beef), but other than that, I haven’t had any meat since I’ve been home from my vacation, 8 days now. It’s not that hard, since I never did buy meat to cook at home anyway. I don’t miss meat at all really. I do have a hard time saying no when people offer it to me. I feel bad because I think they don’t know how to make a meatless meal. Another set back is the information I’ve learned about soy, that unless it’s fermented (as in tempeh or miso) it contains enzyme inhibitors which make it very difficult to digest. I still have some soy milk coupons, but I’m off tofu and I’ll soon be switching to rice milk. Not being able to use tofu definitely makes things harder, especially if I’m going off dairy too. I’m going to try more goat dairy and/or organic dairy and see if I react as poorly. I think becoming vegan is a little to extreme right now, I’m just trying to focus on eating healthier, but I don’t want to get that deprived feeling and then end up giving up.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Well, my lens got smashed on my camera, but luckily I was given (very generously) a replacement. I have taken quite a few pictures with the new camera, but I don’t have the right cord to hook it up to my computer yet, so the pictures are still on the camera.
Well, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but not by choice. I definitely did not get enough sleep, and I felt so totally horrible. I did not start to feel better until about 7:00pm. I’m really questioning whether I shouldn’t just go with the flow and accept the fact I’m a night person. Why should I torture myself, feel guilty and everything just because my energy is better at night, and I have this idea that getting up early makes you a better person or healthier or something. What’s healthy is to be in tune with your body, not force it to meet some mold that’s not right for you. So, obviously, I’m still dealing with a lot of ambivalence.
I did an online guided meditation yesterday, which lasted 11 minutes. My body was extremely uncomfortable in an unusual way. I felt queasy, nauseous. It was very difficult to keep my attention on my body parts as directed while I was feeling like that, but I did my best. Gotta start somewhere, right? And I think that doing the online ones will keep me motivated, because at least I will have some guidance as to what I should be doing. It is easier to stay focused when there is a voice telling you what to focus on every minute or so.
I was doing well for a couple days, but today I felt so awful I totally broke down and ate a bunch of junk. I’m not beating myself up about it though. The idea is to have more and more days where I eat well, and less where I don’t. So one day falling off the wagon doesn’t mean I give up at all. I just keep starting afresh each day. I think I need to do a detox fast very soon. That may help.
1. Kids – they take you out of yourself. Babysitting also gives me a chance to be responsible for someone other than myself, which is a good feeling. It’s about the only time I really feel “grown up”, and that’s great. I love being young at heart but it’s also nice to experience another aspect of my self.
2. Insight. When I figure something out, it feels like a piece of this grand, confusing puzzle has slid into place. Of course it’s only a small part, and the feeling goes away in the chaos that is my life process, but it gives me a new perspective and angle at which to approach living. Today I realized my priorities weren’t working for me – that I want to focus on becoming financially independent before I can really get down to healing myself. I’ve tried to force myself to focus on healing first, but it is just not working, and all I was left with were feelings of guilt because I couldn’t get myself to stick with it. Plus, if I have more money, I can actually get proper help, and therefore my healing will have a better chance at being successful and sustainable. I’d love to be able to afford massage, chiropractic, yoga classes and swim passes. I think those things would help immensely.
3. Free online help, specifically audio recordings of guided meditations and breathing exercises. I think they will be a big help getting started being able to sit.
4. Buddha. I just love his teachings. I love that at the core, Buddhism is so simple and “unreligious”. I’m not talking about the ten thousand things that his teachings developed into, the deities and monasteries and mandalas and such, but the very basic things that he taught: the four noble truths, the three characteristics of existence, the eightfold path. They explain everything, and are the only tools a person needs to achieve spiritual progress. Everything else in buddhism follows from them, and it is all very interesting and amazing, but one can return to the basics to find the golden nugget of pure truth, and it’s so refreshing and inspiring every time.
5. Blue skies. Sometimes just looking up can release you from your self-created prison. I look up, I open up, I let go.