Since I've made an effort to stop "shoulding" and "have to-ing" myself, I've been much happier. I'm procrastinating less, worrying less about my to-do lists, and feeling less guilty when I do something fun. I've definitely been reading more. I've also been surfing the net, which can be good or bad, but mostly I'm surfing for information on specific things that interest me. I'm looking into the Slow Movement, or Deceleration of Time Movement. I'm reading "In Praise of Slow", and enjoying it immensely. I have to force myself to put it down so I can digest it slowly! I'm also still reading Radical Acceptance and thinking about those ideas, especially the mindfulness meditation.
There are a few other things that probably are effecting my mood as well: Zyprexa at bedtime, my friend who was very sick is doing a bit better - "out of the woods" for now, anyway, so the sadness I was feeling for her every day has been relieved, and although I'm still worried, it's not as severe.
When I was in Toronto on Tuesday, I missed my appointment with a new therapist, because I hadn't written down the address and was looking in the wrong place. I walked way too much, and then my cousin couldn't find me to pick me up. I was very upset, but as soon as I began to chat with her about her life, I felt much better. I was able to let go of the anger and frustration and self-pity that I had been feeling, which was compounded by similar events the day before. I really just started to enjoy the present moments I had with my cousin and the friends I had dinner with. I did make a bad decision that caused me to have to wait almost 2 hours and take the latest bus home - I didn't get home until past 1 a.m. but all in all it was a good day.
I have been able to make phone calls for appointments and such this past week or two, instead of putting them off like I was doing before.
Last week I made a whole bunch of eastern european appetizers for my book club meeting, and I really enjoyed cooking them (my mom helped, so that was even nicer!). I've noticed that once I set my mind to it, I like cooking a lot, maybe even more than eating the food - eating seems so anti-climactic, maybe I'm just not that good at it! But I do think the food is tasty, I think I just don't like eating. I read a book that said that people who binge don't really enjoy eating at all, and I think I have to agree with that. The more I think about what actually goes on, it grosses me out. I just like to taste, and moreso like the feeling of full/numb/serotonin rush I get from food. I did call the eating disorders clinic back again, left another message. Hopefully we'll be able to connect next week. Anyway, I think I'm really going to get into this vegan/vegetarian cooking thing. I've made some really cool stuff in my vitamix - the latest being peach yoghurt, and it was the best yoghurt I've ever had! And I've been making more stirfry. The food went over very well at the meeting, and nearly every time I have cooked for someone else, they've really liked it. One year for the Oscars I made chicken kebabs and curried rice for a friend, I made rice paper veggie wraps for another friend, I've made stirfry for friends and my mom (who loved it!), and the appetizers I make for my family gatherings are usually a hit. I've made bruschetta topping, and made up my own recipe for artichoke dip with goat cheese. And always, I've enjoyed making and serving these foods. The praise is almost secondary!
I am having some money problems, somehow I overspent this month. So I am really out of cash until August. I will have to be more careful next month, and not spend so much on food. I bought a lot of organic/health foods, and they always cost a lot more. I guess I didn't realize how much more.
I am now on straight morphine for my fibromyalgia. I take it before bed, and it doesn't seem to do enough for me during the day. Well, not if I'm being as active as I was in the past couple days. I had to take supplemental endocet, which my doctor and I didn't discuss, as needed for pain.
I was very social yesterday at the rib and beer fest. I made conversation with everyone who shared a table with us, which is great! I actually started the conversations - that is new. Since my social anxiety has improved, I've been able to have conversations with people if they initiate, or if I need help or information (say, at a store), but never have I actually begun a conversation just because I wanted to. So, a great milestone, I think! Am I actually becoming the extrovert that I was born to be? who's been in hiding since I was about 7? It is an interesting question. I can't imagine I will lose the introspection orientation, the thought-before-action introvert characteristic. But, maybe I will. Not that I think extroversion is better, it's just that 75% of the population is extraverted, and introverts tend to be misunderstood, or misperceived. Like, you think I'm a snob or a bitch, but really I'm just shy, or anxious, or concentrating. It's an easier life for extroverts, or so it seems to me.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.