Friday, August 10, 2007

A couple of yoga sessions

I did yoga a couple times in the past week or so, and it felt sooooo good. I’m having a hard time scheduling it in – you have to do it on an empty stomach, and I’ve been eating a lot lately (eating disorder). But as long as I can remind myself how good it feels, I think I will be able to do it more often once I stop bingeing (see goal: get help for my eating disorder)

Two steps forward, one step back

I have been having a setback the past week or so, regarding my anxiety and my mood. My social anxiety is creeping back into my life since I’ve lowered my medication – I’ve noticed I’m not looking people in the eye, not able to make small talk with strangers, not as eager to go out and be seen. I had an anxiety attack on the bus the other day, feeling like I couldn’t wait to get home and hide.

On the other hand, I have not been so afraid of this slump in mood. I know it is from the medication, and I have a doctor’s appointment in less than two weeks, so it can be adjusted. I’m also hoping that I may adapt to this lowered dose by then and not have to increase it. I’m not so worried about myself yet, and not panicking that I might go into a severe slide. I’m just kind of hanging in there.

I’m mindful of the increase symptoms without getting angry or frustrated about them. My self-talk has improved, and I’m being a little more gentle and compassionate towards myself when I remember to do so. As long as I stay calm, I think I can prevent slipping into a vicious cycle of depression where my fear and panic make it worse than it would be otherwise and therefore create more anxiety and depression. I think I’m doing really well at accepting my current state, actually, and not exacerbating it at all. I’m being patient.

Eating Mindfully

I’ve actually had a couple meals this week that I just sat and ate at the kitchen table, without reading magazines or playing sudoku etc. It’s pretty boring. I can’t say that I enjoyed the food more, but I guess I wasn’t being too mindful, I was probably thinking about other things besides the taste and experience. Still, any meal eaten without “multi-tasking” is a step in the right direction.

Ambivalence

Keeping my apartment tidy – when I have been successful, I’ve been compulsive about it, organizing and re-organizing for hours. Once I get started I can’t stop until everything is done. It’s odd, very extreme – either I don’t do a thing and the place is a disaster, or I get manic about it and can’t stop. It does feel good to clean, and to have a clean place. I guess I could pick worse things to be compulsive about.

What's cooking

I haven’t done it every day, but I’ve made a few interesting recipes in the last week or so. This one is a mushroom and tempeh dish on mashed potatoes, from one of my vegan cook books. More pictures to come!

Untitled

After weeks of olaying phone tag, I finally talked to someone at the Eating Disorders clinic in person, and I now have an appointment next week!

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I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.