Friday, March 21, 2008

A Series of Dreams about Love

I debated whether or not to publish this online, since it is quite personal, but I'm pretty sure no one will ever read it except possibly my cousin and my therapist, and that's okay. I've had a series of dreams in the last week starring a person who we'll say represents an "ideal" person of the opposite sex. It's embarrassing to say who it really is, but I'll just say this is not a person I actually know. I won't give the full details of the dreams, only important parts.

Dream #1
I have a history with this man, but he's broken it off with me. We are in some underground cave (think Indiana Jones), and I have to save him from danger. When I do, he re-considers the break-up.

Dream #2
I stand all night in a cold winter, waiting for him. The next morning, I am cold, exhausted, and bleeding profusely between the legs. I stumble through the snow to where he and some others are looking for me. As he leads me to the back of an ambulance, I say weakly, "Is this enough? Can you love me now?"

Dream #3
We are sleeping in the same bed - we have been dating for awhile. One morning I wake up and he won't talk to me. Later on in the day we look at each other and he gives me the coldest stare, like he doesn't know me and he doesn't like me. His feelings have just shut off like a light switch, with no warning or precipitating event. I walked outside and my legs gave out on me - I sunk to the ground sobbing. He came out and picked me up by the shoulders, then took me to his parents' house for some reason. Obviously things are not completely over, but I have no idea where I stand, and am totally disconnected from him, trying to put on a sweet face for his folks.

I think the first two dreams are about me not feeling "good enough", having to prove myself worthy of the love of this "ideal" person. The third dream is about my fear of abandonnment, coming out of nowhere (like my parents' divorce) with no warning. These dreams are showing me my issues regarding relationships, but I have no idea what to do about them.

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I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.