Thursday, April 10, 2008

Tick Fucking Tock

I'd do the whole Stephen Colbert "I called it!" act if I wasn't so pissed off. Thank you, universe, what lesson was it you were trying to teach me today? Give up, get ten more cats, cuz you're going to be alone the rest of your life? People let you down? As soon as you open up and reach out you are going to get hurt? I would like a break, universe, from all these lessons. Or maybe the lesson is that this is just how life is, so don't take it so personally. I don't know. I'm crying now, universe, hope you are happy.

A Bad Feeling About Today

Well, it is five o'clock, and I have not heard from R. I have this feeling he is going to let me down today. It would just be the perfect culmination of this whole effing thing. I'm trying not be be so fatalistic, but I know my luck, I know how the universe makes things go for me. I already feel like crap today, nothing like a kick in the head to make it official. I still feel so tired and emotionally raw. I think I'm just going to have to have a nap, and hope for the best. On the positive side, I finally got some stuff done that I have been putting off, like my taxes. I've been too tired to eat, again. Yes, I think a nap is definitely called for. Daisy, wanna nap with mummy? Yeahhhhhhhh.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Partial Conclusion to my Short-Lived Dating Adventures

I almost called this my 'failed experiment' but that is not entirely true...yet. I was scheduled to meet 2 people today, one was the guy who stood me up yesterday, another was an older man but very considerate. To be honest, the latter did not stand much of a chance, I did not like his pictures much, but he was so mature, well-'spoken' and open I thought I would at least meet him.

I took the bus all the way to Cambridge to meet the first, younger man. I'd had high hopes because it sounded like he was looking for the same things, and I'd finally seen pictures of him that looked pretty decent. His email correspondences were very nice too. My first reaction when I saw him was a "no". He was shorter than I expected, hadn't shaved, and had a pudgy face. He was very nice, but he did not smile at me once during our conversation. He talked a bit about his ex and what he was going through with his custody case etc, which I asked him about, since I couldn't think of what else to talk about. He was not very curious about me, just wanting to know what I was looking for, my situation etc. He asked me what I thought, and I said, "to tell you the truth, you seem kind of depressed", because he really did. He denied it, he said he was just a quiet kind of person. But he was so unenthusiastic, unsmiling and mellow, well, it put me off. I said I didn't think he was maybe as fun as I was looking for, but I was willing to keep talking and see. He refused my phone number, said I had his and if I wanted I could call him. So we shook hands and that's where we left it. On the bus on the way home, I debated with myself. He's not terribly unattractive, and maybe if he was in a better mood it could be okay...maybe if we had a couple beers he'd loosen up...But am I really willing to settle for that? I don't know. Maybe if I hadn't met R, who was the complete opposite, really interested in me, really fun, all smiles. So for now I don't think I'm going to contact this guy again. Maybe if things don't go well with R tomorrow.

I was so exhausted, stressed out and frustrated (amongst a million other similar feelings) when I got home, I emailed the last guy and cancelled, with strong apologies. I explained how this whole endeavour was making me miserable. He wrote back, said he wasn't mad, just very very disappointed, and that he wondered if I ever had any intention of meeting him. I didn't reply, I figured I was okay with leaving it, but he wrote again asking for a reply. So I just said again how sorry I was, that I thought he was very nice, but maybe I'm just not cut out for this, I haven't eaten in 3 days (which is all true) etc. He wrote back very considerately that he accepted my apology and was worried about me not eating and said it was a good thing to be sensitive...Well I just thanked him for being so nice about it, and not to worry because thought I am sensitive I am also strong, I've been through worse, and I will get over it. I said now that I'm taking a break I'll be sure to take care of myself and eat. He sent another email that just said *smiling*. So I mean he is really understanding and mature and everything. But i just can't meet anybody else right now. I'm so done. I feel like I've been defeated...

I called my mom and went over to watch the hockey game. I bought a carton of ice cream and told her she was not allowed to say anything about it, even if I ate the whole thing. Of course she gave me a look that did about as much as anything she could've said...and then when she saw how big the carton was she commented about the size...I just kept telling her she wasn't allowed to say anything. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself for awhile. For me, this is a good thing, letting myself just have my feelings. I didn't eat the whole carton, not even close. It was pretty much the same reaction I've been having with food all week, the first few bites are okay, then I just think 'ugh, I can't eat anymore of this'. I did force myself to eat a whole sandwich earlier in the day, though, so at least I got something relatively decent in my system. Right now I kind of feel like eating but there's nothing I want to eat, if that makes any sense. The thought of anything else sugary really turns me off, and making anything seems like too much work, not worth it. So I'll probably just go to bed soon. I've had enough to eat today anyway.

Well I sent R an email telling him that I hadn't met anyone else and that I was done looking. I said "you and I like each other and have fun and that is what I wanted". I also said I hoped he hadn't changed his mind and that we were still on for tomorrow. When I got home from my mom's there was a reply, and I almost couldn't open it, fearing a kick in the stomach, but it said he hadn't changed his mind. However it also said he had an important meeting tomorrow and that he'd let me know. I swear, if he cancels I'm just going to break something. He's made this really hard for me already, by being so nice and making me feel trapped, like I had to make a huge decision every time I met someone new, because if I did anything with them, I'd be losing him. Right now I really resent him for that. I had such a great feeling about him at the beginning of the week, but my recent experiences have tainted it. Now I don't trust him, I'm suspicious that he might be jerking me around, and I'm starting to get that panicky feeling that he might leave, the one that makes me manipulative and try to wrap guys around my finger, and be someone else (read: perfect) so they can't leave. My sane mine knows this is ridiculous, that I hardly know him, so how can I know if it's going to be something I want to keep...but I'm so sensitive right now, I can't stand to think I might be rejected again. The crazies are starting. This is how I get and I really really hate it, it ruins everything. Half of me feels this way, the other half is too exhausted to care whether I see him again or not. I just need to keep my calm. Actually, I think I'm okay. There's another part of me that is okay either way, that is having appropriate feelings. I am just going to listen to that part.

So the conclusion is partial. I am so relieved right now with my decision to stop meeting new people for now. Next time I will know a bit better, but right now I just want my life back, just want to relax and do the usual things again. I know it's only been a week but I swear I have not been so stressed out in a very long time. I'm stopping before I give myself another ulcer.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

More bad experiences

Well, things have not been fun with this "internet dating" thing. This morning I got an email from the man who did not call me back yesterday, asking if we could get together. He didn't even mention what happened with the phone. So I asked him, what happened, told him I felt like crap all evening and that I knew this wasn't a "relationship" but I still deserve some respect. He replied that his phone battery died and that I didn't answer his question about getting together. Didn't even apologize for not letting me know what was going on. I told him maybe I was sensitive and afraid of being taken advantage of, but that I was hurt yesterday. He responded with, "Well I think you are too sensitive for me, take care". I just emailed him an "ok". What I wanted to say was that no, he was too INsensitive for ME. At first I started doubting myself, thinking maybe I was too sensitive, but the more I thought about it the more it became clear that there was a deteriorating sense of respect from him in our most recent interactions. At first he seemed really decent, but then I started to get the feeling he was testing me to see how far he could push me. Well, I'm not willing to go there. So, I felt sad at first, even cried a bit, because of course it still hurts to be rejected, even by an asshole. But mostly I am just relieved I was able to get out of it before I got involved. I may not be looking for anything serious, but I still want to be treated like a person, I still want to be liked and respected.

So, I was supposed to meet another guy today. He seemed really sweet and decent in our e-mail conversations. But I got stood up. I sat there drinking my coffee for half-an-hour. At first I felt like a real fool, but whatever. As far as anyone was concerned I was just sitting on a bench drinking coffee. I mean, it was a let down, because I thought this one could turn out well. I sent him an email asking what happened (is there an echo in here?), and that I was willing to forgive being stood up ONCE, if there was a reason for it. I have a feeling he just chickened out. He also has a 3 year old child so something could have happened there. I hope to hear back from him just to let me know what's going on. If he decided he didn't want to meet me after all I'd just like to know that too.

I'm starting to think I struck gold with the person I met on Sunday and I should just quit while I'm ahead, you know? I had a crappy email exchange with another guy today - he wanted to get together tomorrow, and I said I'd like a bit more time, how was the weekend...he wrote back that he really wanted to come tomorrow, so I explained that I was having coffee with someone already tomorrow, and also busy the next day. He sent me back a reply saying that bringing up "the competition" was a good way to kill potential, that he wasn't willing to share, and wished me luck. So I said I sincerely wasn't trying to bring up competition, just to explain why I couldn't meet him until the weekend, and that I wasn't looking to "share", but I wanted a little freedom this week to see what's out there. I mean do these guys really think they are the only one that responded to my ad, or that I would only want to meet one person before rejecting everyone else? I haven't dated for OVER FIVE YEARS. Give me a week to see my options. Well, I guess I should've put emotional maturity as a requirement in my ad. Not that any of them would admit they weren't. I talked on MSN with a 23 year old who kept calling me "hun" (which I HATE), and couldn't remember which ad was mine. To be fair, I asked him to go back and read the ad, and get back to me later. He did, and gave me a custom-tailored explanation of what he was looking for. Which is to say he was looking for anything, but wanted to sound good to me. I tried to be open-minded. But the fact that he "talked" like he wanted to "party", and his profile picture had him topless, with a huge smile and basically giving two wild thumbs up (I guess you have to see it to get what I mean), and his over-use of the phrases "hun", "lol" and "!!!!" just turned me right off. The clincher came when I said I thought he was just too young for me (my ad includes my age), he replied, "Wow, well good luck going out with guys who don't know how to go down on a girl properly". And this is after he'd made a comment earlier about not wasting each other's time if we weren't right for each other - but this was obviously meant to instigate an argument or something. I wanted to say "oh please, you think you are the only guy in the world who knows how to lick a pussy?" but I just blocked him. Emotional maturity. Those who don't have it don't even know what it is. It is about not being vengeful if I politely decline (unlike another guy who called me a "CUNT" when I did so), and understanding that they are not the only person in the world who might interest me. I mean most of this stuff is just amusing, and to be expected, it comes with the territory of internet-dating. But I am really incredulous that the 36 year old guy who was emailing me today couldn't deal with the fact that I wanted to just meet someone other than him. At least he was polite about it and said he'd enjoyed conversing with me. That's something I guess.

So, I emailed the person I am supposed to meet tomorrow night and asked him if he had an issue with me having coffee with more than just him this week. He's older, so I don't think he will, but I don't need anymore bad experiences and unexpected temper tantrums. I could just lie to these people, but I am a bad liar for one, and I really don't think I should have to lie about this. I was very straight-forward in my ad, and continue to be straight-forward in dealing with the responses. I think that is a good thing, and am at least getting honesty in return. You have to give respect in order to get it, and I think I have been very respectful so far. I just plain hate lying and liars. There's no point, especially in relationships, because the truth is going to come out eventually (at least with me anyway), somehow, whether it be by body-language, confession or mistake. Then things can get really messy, when you are already involved. I want to avoid all that crap. That is my condition for dating, NO CRAP! Is that too much to ask?

Well, I have just one more "coffee" booked. There is another person who I might meet, but his picture kind of freaked me out - it was his eyes, they are very intense. He also reminds me of my first boyfriend, and that makes me queasy. But he seems very nice and to want the same things, so I'm debating whether or not to give him a chance. Of course, I could also re-post my ad, but I think that would really hurt the nice guy I met on Sunday. So, I'll hold off. Besides, if I have one more bad experience I'm not going to want to meet anyone else for awhile. This business can be really disheartening.

Note: I just got an email from the guy who stood me up, saying he was at the hospital with his child who had a sore today was not a total wash after all...

Monday, April 07, 2008

*sigh* Things get complicated so quickly.

So, I put a personal ad up on a website, got some responses. I have had various email conversations with people. I met one for coffee yesterday, and it went really well. He is sweet and attractive and we felt comfortable with each other right away, had lots to talk about. He wants to go out again, take me out for dinner on Thursday, which is lovely. But he also says he wants to be exclusive...I told him I already had plans for coffee with a couple of other people this week. Which is true. He was okay with that, I mean, I would like to meet a few people before I decide on one, you know? And I don't know if I'm ready to be exclusive with anyone yet, I just started this thing! So there's one complication.

I talked with another person on the phone today, and the connection was bad, so he said he'd call me back. I said, "okay", hung up and he called right back. We talked for a bit longer, and still the connection was terrible, so again he said he'd have to call me back. Once more I said, "okay" and hung up, but he never called back. I emailed him (we'd emailed quite a bit already) and asked what happened, but I still haven't heard from him. So, since then I have been basically sitting here feeling like total crap, wondering if he got pissed off or something, if he tried to say something about calling LATER instead of right away but I'd hung up too quickly, or what. For awhile I thought he might have decided to drive here to come meet me (earlier we'd talked about it but he lives a few hours away and said he didn't have that much time today), but it's been hours. I don't know what to think.

Both of these situations are really stressing me out. I feel so sad, I've been feeling sad for hours. I took Daisy for a walk in the park, it was such a beautiful day, but just kept feeling sad and wondering if there'd be a message on my machine or email when I got home - nope. I couldn't even muster up the energy to go to the library or do my errands, these emotions are exhausting. I am probably going to sleep shortly. I've been in bed knitting and listening to music for awhile, and finally decided I could write a little bit about this. I have to admit it was amusing, I was such a cliche in my bed, eating chocolate, feeling sorry for myself, listening to John Mayer...I feel a little better but still very sad. I don't think I can muster up a cry though, I'm so so tired from this stress and worry, and I guess it is not such a big deal, I mean, I have never even met this guy yet, so I'm not losing anything if he decided to forget it. I mean, out of all the guys I emailed with, I liked his picture best, and we seemed to communicate well, so I was really hoping to meet him. So, yeah, disappointed for sure. I am also kind of angry, all I wanted was to have coffee with a couple of nice guys, and all of a sudden there's all this emotional turmoil. It should not be this complicated already, I only posted that ad last week. What the hell?

So I am supposed to meet another person tomorrow, I hope I will be in a better mood than this by then. I'd hate to have one bad experience ruin them all. I am not giving up yet, but I've had a very blatant reminder why I avoided getting involved with men for so many years. I wish I weren't so sensitive, but well, that's just how I am lately. I get triggered so much, I'm so raw all the time, who knows what will hurt...


I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.