Sunday, November 30, 2008

43 Things: Eating Disorder - the latest

I have been noticing the amount of food I eat during a binge has been getting smaller over the past, oh, 3 months. I feel full/sated/whatever with less. I don’t know why, really. Last week, I think on Wednesday, I decided I was going to binge, because I was feeling horribly miserable about my life, lower than I had for a very long time. I don’t beat myself up about my binges anymore, since there is a reason behind them, and I’m working on it, so there is no point. And, the harder I am on myself the more reason I have to binge. Anyway, on Wednesday I made myself eat a meal before I binged, so maybe I’d binge less, and that is exactly what happened. I ate a very small amount of binge-food before I felt sick to my stomach and full, and not like bingeing anymore. One side of my brain said, “Oh great, on top of everything, you can’t even binge properly anymore”, but mostly I was okay with it.

I have also, in the last day or two, been thinking that the more I force myself to eat foods I don’t want to for meals, the more I binge. Which is really expensive. Technically, if I’m going to eat the junk food anyway, I might as well not eat the ‘good’ food. On the other hand, if I make food that I like that is not exactly binge-food (like, say, grilled cheese sandwiches), I am less likely to binge because I don’t feel deprived of food I like. So, this month I am just going to eat food I like and see what happens, see if it saves me calories and money.

I have also been spending a bit more time on preparation, and I have been able to deal with eating soup and rice and beans without feeling too much like I’m just shovelling “hunger stoppers” into my mouth and not feeling satisfied. So that is good.

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I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.