Wednesday, March 26, 2008
But this is not a normal pissed off. Nothing happened, nobody did a damn thing. Yes, part of it is resentment at the fact that I have to do things I don't feel like doing, that I can't just ignore the laundry, the dishes, the piles of junk mail that need sorting through. Part of me is frustrated because there are so many things I want to do as well, and there is only one of me to do it. Why can't I read and knit at the same time? I'm just really angry about my entire life. The menstrual pain isn't helping either. I don't know what to say, where to start, so I'll just list some words that have been running through my head about how I am feeling. Aggravated. Irritated. Frustrated. Resentful. Angry. I am enraged at the tediousness of life. There's just no escaping that certain things need to be done over and over and over - I am so f*cking bored with it all. I feel like I am in a rush, but I am sitting here doing nothing. I have completely lost touch with any sense of acceptance I'd developed. Agitated. I want to take a giant spoon and stir up the entire world and start over from chaos. So, underneath all anger is hurt, and this is very true of me. I am so lonely I could bite my arms off. But even when I spend time with people, I don't feel connected. I don't get nourished by it. Yesterday i just stopped to think for awhile, and I started bawling again. It's always there, and I know that all my activities are just distractions from this. But what else can I do? I can't stay in that pain, I'd cry all day, rip out my throat. I think I would end up hurting myself. I'm trying to work through this, this is what is behind all of it, everything I'm working with in therapy. But it is too big for me to deal with by myself. I get one hour a week where I am not alone with it, and this week I don't get any time, since my therapist is on vacation. Yes, it is good that I've made contact, brought it into consciousness. I now have access to it at all times. But that brings the threat of it sneaking up on me at any moment as well. And it does. It's like that's what the cells in the deepest part of my body are made of. Just this horrible sorrow, a black hole of aloneness. My mind knows that there is also a place where I can go and feel whole, connected to everything, spiritual...but it is much harder to stay there. And when I'm overcome with the darkness, I can't get there at all, can't even get close. These two extremes. But I get up and distract myself, and go on. Try to be an adult. This is how I cope, and it feels like such a lie. But this lie is where everyone lives most of the time, and they are okay with it. It's normal. Maybe they don't have my demons, or maybe they just have them buried, whereas I had the gall to go digging mine up. I didn't really have much choice about it, they were eating me alive anyway, I just didn't understand how or why. I need more help. I need help more often. Like twice a week. Because I can't spend so much time fighting them off, beating them down, telling them to just wait until Wednesday. They don't know about Wednesday. They don't know I'm alone and can't handle them now. When is just getting through a day ever not going to be such a struggle? When will I be able to do more than cope? When will I have time to do something other than all these defensive coping skills? Because that is all I do - just whatever it takes to bear it. What kind of life is that?
I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.