Monday, April 07, 2008

*sigh* Things get complicated so quickly.

So, I put a personal ad up on a website, got some responses. I have had various email conversations with people. I met one for coffee yesterday, and it went really well. He is sweet and attractive and we felt comfortable with each other right away, had lots to talk about. He wants to go out again, take me out for dinner on Thursday, which is lovely. But he also says he wants to be exclusive...I told him I already had plans for coffee with a couple of other people this week. Which is true. He was okay with that, I mean, I would like to meet a few people before I decide on one, you know? And I don't know if I'm ready to be exclusive with anyone yet, I just started this thing! So there's one complication.

I talked with another person on the phone today, and the connection was bad, so he said he'd call me back. I said, "okay", hung up and he called right back. We talked for a bit longer, and still the connection was terrible, so again he said he'd have to call me back. Once more I said, "okay" and hung up, but he never called back. I emailed him (we'd emailed quite a bit already) and asked what happened, but I still haven't heard from him. So, since then I have been basically sitting here feeling like total crap, wondering if he got pissed off or something, if he tried to say something about calling LATER instead of right away but I'd hung up too quickly, or what. For awhile I thought he might have decided to drive here to come meet me (earlier we'd talked about it but he lives a few hours away and said he didn't have that much time today), but it's been hours. I don't know what to think.

Both of these situations are really stressing me out. I feel so sad, I've been feeling sad for hours. I took Daisy for a walk in the park, it was such a beautiful day, but just kept feeling sad and wondering if there'd be a message on my machine or email when I got home - nope. I couldn't even muster up the energy to go to the library or do my errands, these emotions are exhausting. I am probably going to sleep shortly. I've been in bed knitting and listening to music for awhile, and finally decided I could write a little bit about this. I have to admit it was amusing, I was such a cliche in my bed, eating chocolate, feeling sorry for myself, listening to John Mayer...I feel a little better but still very sad. I don't think I can muster up a cry though, I'm so so tired from this stress and worry, and I guess it is not such a big deal, I mean, I have never even met this guy yet, so I'm not losing anything if he decided to forget it. I mean, out of all the guys I emailed with, I liked his picture best, and we seemed to communicate well, so I was really hoping to meet him. So, yeah, disappointed for sure. I am also kind of angry, all I wanted was to have coffee with a couple of nice guys, and all of a sudden there's all this emotional turmoil. It should not be this complicated already, I only posted that ad last week. What the hell?

So I am supposed to meet another person tomorrow, I hope I will be in a better mood than this by then. I'd hate to have one bad experience ruin them all. I am not giving up yet, but I've had a very blatant reminder why I avoided getting involved with men for so many years. I wish I weren't so sensitive, but well, that's just how I am lately. I get triggered so much, I'm so raw all the time, who knows what will hurt...

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I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.