I almost called this my 'failed experiment' but that is not entirely true...yet. I was scheduled to meet 2 people today, one was the guy who stood me up yesterday, another was an older man but very considerate. To be honest, the latter did not stand much of a chance, I did not like his pictures much, but he was so mature, well-'spoken' and open I thought I would at least meet him.
I took the bus all the way to Cambridge to meet the first, younger man. I'd had high hopes because it sounded like he was looking for the same things, and I'd finally seen pictures of him that looked pretty decent. His email correspondences were very nice too. My first reaction when I saw him was a "no". He was shorter than I expected, hadn't shaved, and had a pudgy face. He was very nice, but he did not smile at me once during our conversation. He talked a bit about his ex and what he was going through with his custody case etc, which I asked him about, since I couldn't think of what else to talk about. He was not very curious about me, just wanting to know what I was looking for, my situation etc. He asked me what I thought, and I said, "to tell you the truth, you seem kind of depressed", because he really did. He denied it, he said he was just a quiet kind of person. But he was so unenthusiastic, unsmiling and mellow, well, it put me off. I said I didn't think he was maybe as fun as I was looking for, but I was willing to keep talking and see. He refused my phone number, said I had his and if I wanted I could call him. So we shook hands and that's where we left it. On the bus on the way home, I debated with myself. He's not terribly unattractive, and maybe if he was in a better mood it could be okay...maybe if we had a couple beers he'd loosen up...But am I really willing to settle for that? I don't know. Maybe if I hadn't met R, who was the complete opposite, really interested in me, really fun, all smiles. So for now I don't think I'm going to contact this guy again. Maybe if things don't go well with R tomorrow.
I was so exhausted, stressed out and frustrated (amongst a million other similar feelings) when I got home, I emailed the last guy and cancelled, with strong apologies. I explained how this whole endeavour was making me miserable. He wrote back, said he wasn't mad, just very very disappointed, and that he wondered if I ever had any intention of meeting him. I didn't reply, I figured I was okay with leaving it, but he wrote again asking for a reply. So I just said again how sorry I was, that I thought he was very nice, but maybe I'm just not cut out for this, I haven't eaten in 3 days (which is all true) etc. He wrote back very considerately that he accepted my apology and was worried about me not eating and said it was a good thing to be sensitive...Well I just thanked him for being so nice about it, and not to worry because thought I am sensitive I am also strong, I've been through worse, and I will get over it. I said now that I'm taking a break I'll be sure to take care of myself and eat. He sent another email that just said *smiling*. So I mean he is really understanding and mature and everything. But i just can't meet anybody else right now. I'm so done. I feel like I've been defeated...
I called my mom and went over to watch the hockey game. I bought a carton of ice cream and told her she was not allowed to say anything about it, even if I ate the whole thing. Of course she gave me a look that did about as much as anything she could've said...and then when she saw how big the carton was she commented about the size...I just kept telling her she wasn't allowed to say anything. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself for awhile. For me, this is a good thing, letting myself just have my feelings. I didn't eat the whole carton, not even close. It was pretty much the same reaction I've been having with food all week, the first few bites are okay, then I just think 'ugh, I can't eat anymore of this'. I did force myself to eat a whole sandwich earlier in the day, though, so at least I got something relatively decent in my system. Right now I kind of feel like eating but there's nothing I want to eat, if that makes any sense. The thought of anything else sugary really turns me off, and making anything seems like too much work, not worth it. So I'll probably just go to bed soon. I've had enough to eat today anyway.
Well I sent R an email telling him that I hadn't met anyone else and that I was done looking. I said "you and I like each other and have fun and that is what I wanted". I also said I hoped he hadn't changed his mind and that we were still on for tomorrow. When I got home from my mom's there was a reply, and I almost couldn't open it, fearing a kick in the stomach, but it said he hadn't changed his mind. However it also said he had an important meeting tomorrow and that he'd let me know. I swear, if he cancels I'm just going to break something. He's made this really hard for me already, by being so nice and making me feel trapped, like I had to make a huge decision every time I met someone new, because if I did anything with them, I'd be losing him. Right now I really resent him for that. I had such a great feeling about him at the beginning of the week, but my recent experiences have tainted it. Now I don't trust him, I'm suspicious that he might be jerking me around, and I'm starting to get that panicky feeling that he might leave, the one that makes me manipulative and try to wrap guys around my finger, and be someone else (read: perfect) so they can't leave. My sane mine knows this is ridiculous, that I hardly know him, so how can I know if it's going to be something I want to keep...but I'm so sensitive right now, I can't stand to think I might be rejected again. The crazies are starting. This is how I get and I really really hate it, it ruins everything. Half of me feels this way, the other half is too exhausted to care whether I see him again or not. I just need to keep my calm. Actually, I think I'm okay. There's another part of me that is okay either way, that is having appropriate feelings. I am just going to listen to that part.
So the conclusion is partial. I am so relieved right now with my decision to stop meeting new people for now. Next time I will know a bit better, but right now I just want my life back, just want to relax and do the usual things again. I know it's only been a week but I swear I have not been so stressed out in a very long time. I'm stopping before I give myself another ulcer.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.