Sunday, November 30, 2008

43 Things: Eating Disorder - the latest

I have been noticing the amount of food I eat during a binge has been getting smaller over the past, oh, 3 months. I feel full/sated/whatever with less. I don’t know why, really. Last week, I think on Wednesday, I decided I was going to binge, because I was feeling horribly miserable about my life, lower than I had for a very long time. I don’t beat myself up about my binges anymore, since there is a reason behind them, and I’m working on it, so there is no point. And, the harder I am on myself the more reason I have to binge. Anyway, on Wednesday I made myself eat a meal before I binged, so maybe I’d binge less, and that is exactly what happened. I ate a very small amount of binge-food before I felt sick to my stomach and full, and not like bingeing anymore. One side of my brain said, “Oh great, on top of everything, you can’t even binge properly anymore”, but mostly I was okay with it.

I have also, in the last day or two, been thinking that the more I force myself to eat foods I don’t want to for meals, the more I binge. Which is really expensive. Technically, if I’m going to eat the junk food anyway, I might as well not eat the ‘good’ food. On the other hand, if I make food that I like that is not exactly binge-food (like, say, grilled cheese sandwiches), I am less likely to binge because I don’t feel deprived of food I like. So, this month I am just going to eat food I like and see what happens, see if it saves me calories and money.

I have also been spending a bit more time on preparation, and I have been able to deal with eating soup and rice and beans without feeling too much like I’m just shovelling “hunger stoppers” into my mouth and not feeling satisfied. So that is good.


Today I notice I procrastinated about something that is not a chore, not "good for me", nothing I usually fight to get myself to do. It was just something I had planned on doing. So now I am rebelling against anything scheduled whatsoever, chores, errands, exercise, fun stuff, everything. The most ridiculous thing about this is some of what I did to put off the 'scheduled' activity - chores. Yup. I did the dishes, a load of laundry, re-organized some media, went through my stack of accumulated papers and tossed the non-keepers in the recycling bin, took out the garbage...Sure in between I played cards and downloaded music on my computer, but I have to take breaks between chores for my body's sake. WTF.

On Friday night I was sure this weekend would be full of crafts, very productive. I'd been inspired all week to make stuff, and forced myself to finish the dog sweater (which STILL doesn't work, I discovered). Come Saturday I didn't feel like making anything. All I managed to do was teach myself brick stitch and make a little diamond shaped thing with green seed beads. It is now 8:30 Sunday night, and that is all I have to show for the weekend. I am really frustrated with myself right now, really angry with me. And my incredible magnitude to shoot myself in the foot. My unbelievable gift to find creative ways to be less than I could be. I can find a way to outdo my lowest standard on any given day. I don't understand! I want to make crafts. I want to watch DVDs. Why don't I?

This reminds me of my habit of NOT reading the books that I buy, the ones that excite me the most. 90% of the books on my shelf are ones I anticipate to be extraordinary, but won't read. The only reason I can see that I might do this is because I don't want to be disappointed. Maybe they will turn out to suck. Could be I'm afraid that what crafts I make will suck too. That never used to stop me, but things change, I guess. I keep putting off doing the things I know will give me the most pleasure, including yoga and swimming. It used to be just these types of things, ones that fall into the category of "good for me", that I put off. Now it seems to be everything.

This is not to say I did not enjoy my day. I had a great time singing and dancing to the music I downloaded while I did the things I did. But still, I am disappointed with myself. In order to get myself in the right frame of mind - to get down to 'work' (maybe using that word has a lot to do with it) - I made myself shower after I finished my coffee this 'morning' (more like 3 in the afternoon), as a mental marker of readiness to do what I had been planning on doing. It worked the other day, and it works on days when I have to go out to do an errand or two, but not today. I seem to have this absurd phobia about anything that even remotely resembles 'work'. That is a very large, loaded issue for me, but it seems to be making itself cover even more of my life.

I want to discuss more, and I want to talk about the Evils of the Chair, but my back hurts like mad (an example of the evils of the chair). I am not sure if I should just give up on this day, or attempt to sit down at this late hour and craft. I also do not know if I am really hungry. Yesterday I felt constantly hungry, even a few minutes after eating, so I realized this is probably some weird PMS symptom. So I don't know whether to eat right now or not, whether to eat a meal or something small... I am having difficulty making certain types of decisions. What is this aimlessness about? All these near-misses of goal-directed behaviour. I don't want to say I hate myself, but I really hate this, whatever this is.


I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.