Monday, April 20, 2009

Must Say SOMETHING!

This week I've been getting acquainted with Twitter (and the great people on Twitter), so I don't know how much process/progress I've made. I have periodically thought about the fact that I can't seem to find a way to help people in any consistent way - after realizing (well, being smacked in the face with it) that verbally offering tactful insights into other people's personality is always unwelcome, no matter how much they might learn from contemplating a suggestion, I asked my cousin Kn, who has taken a course in reiki, about sending people good energy instead. She told me you aren't allowed to do that unless you've been trained, and never without that person's permission (apparently it can be psychically given). So, back to square one, after my misery forced me to say "I guess I will just keep my shit to myself then". But I just can't believe that there isn't a positive way I can share my gifts. The thought of taking on a role like 'counsellor' to specific people is too much for me right now, so does that mean I can't be of use? I ache to help people wake up, and people call me a shit-disturber. Well, it is true, but do you really want your 'shit' to remain undisturbed? Let's unbury it and start getting rid of it altogether! Nope, nobody wants to hear what I have to say. I make them uncomfortable. People want to change (or not) at their own pace, and if I want anyone to like me, I have to stay out of their process. It's so hard for me to do, to hold my tongue, which kinda makes me think its there in my mouth for a reason. Certainly a lot of it feels 'given' or 'channelled' if you can deal with that term. So I'm frustrated knowing one of my best gifts is going to waste. Of course, flip it around (my therapist will anyway) - maybe it's only there to teach ME a lesson, like how to shut the fuck up, suck it up. Right speech? Apparently Right Intention does not automatically ensure Right Speech, and in my case, quite the opposite. Yeah I'm bitter, because I feel like no matter what I do, nothing good happens. And what's funny about that is that I barely do anything at all! I was a misfit when I pretended to be something I wasn't, and I'm a misfit when I'm genuine too. Yeah, I want to give up. Yeah I'm compelled not to by guilt and inadequacy.

Today I ran across the last responses to the email-off I had with Jt - an email that should have been blocked and deleted long ago, but somehow managed to stick around lurking in a back folder on the web. One that I didn't know existed, and one that I didn't read more than the first paragraph. Well I read them and they made me feel horrified all over again. Despite the fact that this is over, that I'd managed to discount this person's opinion of me. I re-read several times to make sure she didn't have any points, that I could defend her accusations. Once again I realized that she was talking about herself - nearly everything she said about me could easily have been said about her (by someone with no compassion or perspective). So she was still using me as a place-holder for her shadow. But this email reminded me so much of the letter I wrote to her but never sent her - a therapeutic exercise for myself that I use often these days - that I wanted to dig it up and send it to her anyway. I guess I still can't believe that she could become so crazy and mean and unable to consider my perspective. In my last reply I said nothing but compassionate things, wishing her well and apologizing for triggering her, and she still wrote back that I was 'a terrible person'. She used every personal confession I'd ever made to her and turned it around on me as evidence of this. Like she's never had a selfish thought in her life. Yet she ended her email with PS your hair is ridiculous. How petty! I never made one remark about her appearance or personal habits whatsoever, only her behaviour. I know I shouldn't let this upset me again, I'd made peace with it (or a kind of peace, so I thought) and moved on.

I have always had trouble with wanting people to like me, and at the same time, always considered myself a bridge burner. I really wanted to change all that, wanted to manage my relationships maturely so that even if they ended, they ended respectfully and never gave anyone fodder to hate me. Yet this was the most explosive ending I've ever had! And I know that she will actively hate me for a very long time, because that is the type of person she is. I guess I thought I could avoid being on her wrong side, but inevitably everyone seems to end up there. This 'new' email makes me want to rant and rave about its particulars again, because it seems very important to me to invalidate each of its charges. So I will a bit. Not being able to have friendships for more than a few months? Let's see, I have a friend I've known for 15 years and going strong. I was friends with R for 8 years. Another friend - 15 years off and on. Charge dismissed. Charge: I am a spoiled brat and feel too 'entitled'. Let's see. I live on disability, with occasional loans from my mom which are expected to be paid back. I don't ask for handouts and I don't expect them. I've been to the food bank once, and that was years ago. I 'wish' life was easy and things were handed to me (who the hell doesn't?), but I don't 'expect it'. Ya, I complain about being poor and not having anything. Yes, it makes me envious of other people. Yes, I've accepted gifts from friends and family, when they've been offered. None of that makes me spoiled, it makes me a human being who lives in poverty. Charge dismissed: Charge: I'm 'convinced' I'm completely disabled. Well, it depends on the definition of completely. I'm not convinced I can't get out of bed in the morning and need people to wipe my ass and hand-feed me. But I am convinced that I am too sick to work, and hey, so is the Ontario Disability Support Program. Charge dismissed. Charge: I got a university degree on Jt's (and other tax payers') money, and now think I know everything about everything. Well, I still have a loan to repay, yes. I'll repay it when and if I have the money to do so, just like the thousands of other people who have OSAP loans. I also pay taxes, though not as much as people with more income. And, I've never claimed to know everything about anything. If you read that into my tone of voice or way of speaking, that's your problem. Anything that comes out of my mouth is either a) an opinion or b) a guess (which is why I always preface it with 'maybe' or c) what I can recall learning somewhere. None of which claims to be the truth. Charge dismissed.

Why do people think whatever they put into a relationship is somehow 'owed' to them whenever that relationship ends? Do you really think money is the only thing ever 'given' in a relationship? What about the fact that you insisted on giving it at the time? Should I have held on to it in case you wanted it back? I make it known in every relationship that I have no money to give, but that I give my love, energy and care - the only things I have - freely and with vigor. And it suddenly becomes worthless in the face of the end. There is no thought to the sacrifices I make in order to give those things - and yes, they take a great deal from me, a lot more than a few dollars does from you. I hate feeling like a 'sponge', and I hate having to let people pay for me, but I hate it worse when it's given as a 'gift' at the time but then held over my head later. Jt is not the only one to have done this to me lately. That money was spent in the same spirit as the energy and love I gave, and it's just as gone - so why don't we cut our losses and move on with our lives. When a relationship ends, both people lose. So there's no point in one crying to the other about what they've lost. There's no sense trying to tally-up who gave what and who now owes who. If you do that, you turn the whole experience of a relationship into a commodity and cheapen it.

Yes, I've chosen the wrong friends for myself. I've opened my heart to people who were sick and expected it not to get vomited on. I admit it. I learn from my mistakes. But I'm still angry at them for letting their illnesses ruin our friendships. It didn't have to be that way. But I guess it did. I hope they've learned something too.

I didn't get to all the charges, but enough that I feel satisfied that I'm not the monster I'm accused of being. I'm too sensitive to other people's opinions about me. I know what's in my heart, and it's a good heart. All I wanted from Jt was to have my rights respected and to be her friend. Too much to ask from someone with such severe BPD...And god, even after I told her that she'd really hurt me she continued to abuse! Done. I'm done talking about it.

What else? What else have I been working on (or failing to work on)? The whole question of autonomy is becoming vague again. How to live my life for myself? Why am I worthless unless I'm helping others? I had some answers, but they've faded now. I really hope I didn't miss the boat on this one.

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Disclaimer

I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.