Monday, May 04, 2009

An Addition to the Procrastination Equation

Okay it's been twelve hours since I got up intending to write this post, so I don't know if I'll remember much of what I wanted to say, but I remember the essential bit. And that is, there's another element that was missing from my equation to explain my procrastination/paralyzation. And that's this:

c. 'what's the point?'

And this may be just or more as important than either a) guilt or b) rebellion.
I thought I'd gotten past the point of what's the point in my life, seeing as how I don't think I'm depressed anymore. But what's the point (WTP - not to be confused with WPT - the World Poker Tour) is an existential question that can exist and thrive without having a depression to feed it.

I was waking up this morning, and probably thinking of something I should/want to do (the distinction doesn't matter here) and I must've thought, "what's the point?" and then, being mindful even in drowsiness (which is awesome, and shows that intention works), I noticed the thought. What's the point of doing anything is a question I've asked myself a lot in my life. Nowadays, usually the point is helping people or for my health. Which brings us back to what else is there that makes life meaningful, and why I can't find anything meaningful in my life if I'm not helping people. Helping people can mean a lot of things to me - from just putting something out there that I think might wake someone up a bit, to sharing my experiences in hopes somebody else won't feel alone, to babysitting my friends kids or carrying somebody's bag. What's the point of doing something just for me, that isn't going to make me healthier? I mean the question of why do anything at all is still there, but I've answered that well enough for myself at this time.

Answering a why with a why not works sometimes, but not in this case. I only have so much time and energy and spending it on doing something that isn't going to make me healthier or help somebody else seems like a waste. Why, though? What is it that allows other people to see nothing wrong in indulging in 'selfish' pursuits? Yes, it increases happiness, but so can doing other things that may have some other benefit. Writing, for instance, is just as expressive, fulfilling and creative as making jewelry, but it also serves a bigger purpose. What purpose does it serve to make jewelry? What can my jewelry do for mankind? I feel my writing is much more valuable.

So what's the point? I don't know. I'm going to have to sit with this one and come back to it.

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Disclaimer

I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.