Friday, May 01, 2009

So. I hate being sick. n' stuff.

Finally made it out of the house today, mom picked me up to do some much needed shopping - groceries, dog food etc. I've discovered that my limit for being out of the house is about 1.5 hours. That's when I started to feel like crying. In the middle of Walmart. Because they didn't have my size in the rubber boots I wanted, but can't really afford, but really need. I ended up with cheaper boots that I like but don't 'go' with everything. So I can't wear anything pink if it's raining out. Not a big deal to someone who isn't exhausted and emotionally sensitive and afraid of how much sicker she's getting. I was in the pharmacy section being blocked at all turns by other shopping carts and actually said out loud, "Let me out of the pharmacy!". My mom shushed me, but it was too late. I know I don't own Walmart and I know that nobody can see I'm falling apart. But it's still not fucking fair. I had much more shopping to do and I knew I should have already been home and resting. If I can't make it past an hour and a half, how am I going to do anything at all on my own, on the bus? We were going to go to get groceries then, but I called the doctor from my mom's cellphone to make an appointment about the - ahem - lack of elimination going on in my g.i. tract. They said to come in right away.

The Doctor's Office
The first thing my doctor told me is that I should lessen my pain medicine. I told him that I could not get out of bed without it, and I cannot get out of bed now anyway, so either way, I can't get out of bed, and that's not fucking good enough. I had to start freaking out in order to get him to do anything. He wrote me a prescription which my pharmacy could not fill, so now I have to go to another pharmacy and pay the dispensing fee, which I can't afford. He sent me for X-rays of my abdomen - to see how 'full' my intenstines really are, and for blood work, but not all the tests I need. I had to push myself to ask him to check my temperature and blood pressure, and he pawned that off on an assistant/nurse/student or something, who stood across the hall chatting and eating crackers while I waited for her. The hall is about 1 metre wide. I could see her and she could see me, waiting. She took my blood pressure - it was high. I told her that I got dizzy when I stood up, and she told me no, that's only if you have low blood pressure. I said, I get dizzy when I stand up, and she proceeded to extremely poorly describe how blood pressure works. I swear, I could have done a better job. And that's not what I asked. And I'm not an infant. And I already KNOW how blood pressure works. To be fair she does not know that I am a university and self-educated highly intelligent person who easily gets offended when I'm treated like a fucking idiot. Again I asked her, then why am I dizzy when I stand up? So she said it could be an ear infection (I don't have any ear pain) or low sodium blah blah it could be a lot of things. Why the FUCK didn't you just say "I don't know" instead of wasting my time? That's the first thing people should learn in school - if you don't know, SAY you don't know. And stop wasting people's time and stop trying to convince yourself that you know something just because you think you should know it. I hate her. She took my temperature with an ear thermometer, since I don't have an ear infection, and it was low. I was freezing. When I walked into the doctor's office I had been sweating like a pig. Oh yeah that's normal.

So I got my stomach x-ray'd - after the technician grilled me about my period and my sexual activities - 'any chance you are pregnant?' 'no'. When was your last period? "two weeks ago". Do you use any contraceptives? "I just had an IUD put in two weeks ago". Pause. Thinking. "And the month before that? Did you have sex?" Pause. Thinking. "Yes, I think so." "Unprotected sex?" "No." "Do you use condoms?" "Yes." Why didn't she believe me when I said there was no chance I was pregnant? Do I look like white-trailer-trash skank material? Am I wearing a wedding ring? I kind of hate her too right now. But she was nice.

Then I got my bloodwork done. At quarter to 5 on a friday. By a woman who clearly was not happy to be the last one left in the office for the week. She stuck the first needle in. Asked "Does this hurt?" I said, "I can feel it, but it's not bad". "Well your vein is moving around on me." Like it just grew the ability to squirm on its own. She wiggles the needle back and forth, presumably trying to prick the thing from the side. No go. Takes the needle out, looks for another vein. This one she gets, and it hurts. Whatever.

Go to the pharmacy. "When do you need this?" "Uh, now. Today." "Well, we'd have to order it. Try Pharma Plus." Fuck. Pharma fucking $7.99 dispensing fee Plus. I'll do it tomorrow. Get some fruit. Go home, take the dog out, eat an apple. Take. A. Shit. Yup. A real one. The kind that I wasn't having for a week or more, which caused me to get nauseous and pass out for hours everytime I ate, which caused me to go to the doctor's today and freak out so I could get a prescription for a REAL laxative, not this senokot shit that doesn't do anything but make my meds less effective. Apple. Well, maybe it wasn't actually the apple, but still. I'm eating apples at every meal.


I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.