Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Big Question

Now that I'm done my 3 month adventure in trying to have a love/sex life (for awhile), the focus shifts to some questions asked by my therapist, which seem to me to be at the 'core of the onion' right now. Which means, it's the main or one big thing left standing in my way to the next stage of my life, or so I intuit. The question was posed (in the context of a therapy session): "What would you do if you had ALS or a similar disease, and could not help others, and needed to be cared for by others". My immediate answer was that I would kill myself. I said I could not stand to live like that. The issues at hand are feeling like a burden, how to live my life for myself and not for others (specifically how to feel okay about doing things just for myself, and taking truly proper care of myself, and not feeling guilty about it), worthiness and deservedness, the ethics of 'selfishness' and 'altrusim'...and so much more.

I've had over a week to think about the question of why my life is not worth living unless I can help other people. I haven't been able to write about it until now because I have been very ill, very weak, very sleep deprived, exhausted, nauseaous etc. Today I finally have a tiny bit of something I think I recognize as 'energy'...so I thought I would at least make a start by presenting the topic. My thoughts about this issue have, over the last week, become rather like a brainstorm balloon exercise, something that looks a bit like an explosion of ideas from the centre topic on the centre of the page. With interconnections between most of the derived ideas. This is a huge issue, and one that only a few months back I remember being a question alone on the page without any ideas at all. Just a lonely, helpless question with no answers whatsoever. The fact that answers are now coming from everywhichway (I say 'answers' though obviously none are definitive), means, to me, that I am ready to start working on this problem, that it is now possible to work through this issue, this 'core belief' that is really the basic thing that is keeping me from taking on any long-term project, including starting to do the things that I need to do daily to take care of myself (meditating, doing yoga, keeping a cleaner apartment etc.) This is the cause of what I see as procrastination, self-defeating behaviour, and all things unhealthy that I do. It is also the excuse I use to keep doing these things.

I've run out of energy for now, so I will have to continue later. My plan is to first write out where I think this comes from, what ideas have occurred to me so far, and then to explore further...there are a number of books I got from the library to help me think about these things, so I'll probably be mentioning those too. For now, I've got to eat something and rest.

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Disclaimer

I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.