Thursday, May 07, 2009
So I'm going to whine. I'm so tired. My dishes are dirty, I have nothing easy to eat. I have a headache. The motivation I had last week to DO is dwindling. No that's not really true - the motivation is still there, but there's no energy behind it. There's no urgency, there's the 'what's the point' starting to creep in. So many things I want to do, some started, some promised..and all I want to do is curl up under a blanket with my dog and sulk. Pressure can be paralyzing when it passes a certain point. I pat myself on the back for just writing a blog entry right now, even though it's not one of the three I want to be working on. I need a break! I don't know how to take it. I feel like I've spread myself too thin, I'm so scattered and have too many projects going, too may things to get to. I know, one at a time. I'm hungry. I have to get to the library - this DVD is already two days overdue. I have to get cat litter - my cat is rejecting even a scooped litter box now. But even in order to do that, I need to shower and dress and eat something. It just seems like too much. I called my mom for help, she's not home. Help. HELP. I can't get there. I want to write about Tuesday, about the things my therapist and I talked about. I want to finish the second article I'm writing for my other blog. I want to finish the article I finished but lost on Bukisa, and find pictures for another one that is ready to publish on Associated Content. Then there is the jewelry projects owing, and the books I need to get reading...they are borrowed, from my friend and the library, and OWING causes me anxiety. There's info on the web I need to read, blogs, research. I need to finish collecting links and books for the blue ribbon site. And the apartment, laundry, dishes need to be done. dog needs to be walked. Organizing needs to be done. Help! I am tired. I need more sleep. I need quiet. I need to get regular. I need to get clean. I need to stop bleeding. I need to see my new friends. All of a sudden I feel pulled at from every direction and that makes me want to shut everyone out. And then there's the pitiful response (or lack of) from my family and friends to my campaign efforts. They really do not want to hear it from me. They can't even take ten seconds to say they care, let alone a minute to read a blog post, sign a petition, download a picture. Every moment I am ignored hurts me worse than the one before. I can't forget the frustrated words of my mother last week - "I just want you to be better!" Like it's my fault, like I'm getting sicker on purpose. She's tired of having to help me, I guess. She doesn't want a daughter anymore - did she ever? Oh I know I'm catastrophizing and mind-reading. I don't care. It hurts, I'm alone, I need help and I'm asking for it, and still...I'm alone.
I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.