Sunday, May 10, 2009

Waking Up Alone, in the Dark

Worst. Feeling. Ever. Nobody knows I exist. Unloved.
Woke up back in depressed mind, thinking about Susan Boyle and how I'll never be that good at anything. Thinking about how even though B was incapable of loving me, he wanted to, and he was a warm body in the middle of the night. Thinking about how before I admitted to myself I needed people, I never had to feel this lonely.
Feeling guilty because I slept through Saturday instead of calling my mom like I told her I would, but sad that she didn't call me, that nobody called me in the last 24 hours. That my best friend has given up trying to hang out with me because I'm so sick and no fun anymore. God that hurts.
My life feels totally out of my control. I can't even decide when to be awake or asleep. Been in bed for the last 24 hours, the last 12 of which I've been sleeping with severe pain, severely tensed back muscles to protect that pain. Dreaming of crazy things, fantasy lands that are never safe and happy, people I am never sure really love me. There is no escape!
When awake I can do things and think things that make it okay, but it's not okay. It's not okay that I could be someone else, someone better, if not for what happened to me and my inability to overcome it.

1 hour later:
The truth is, I'm terrified. I've been living in denial - this is temporary. I'm not really this sick. But I'm laying there, and I can't get up to get a book that is four feet away from me, and I've just had a lot of sleep. I ache, and not only in my muscles. I ache to have the life I used to, to be able to swim and feel powerful, to be able to run and show my enthusiasm in ways other than "!!!".
To be able to throw myself at someone and have them catch me - I'm just too heavy now, metaphorically speaking. I make people uncomfortable. I'm bitter and cynical and won't let anyone in. And I'm terrified that there is now absolutely nothing I can do to get better. I've become to weak to put in the effort needed to improve. I'm afraid to the bone that I've gone past the point of no return. And with no one to take care of me I see this monster, this suicide coming up over the hill. I don't want to die, but I can't live like this. I can't bear another night, another hour of this particular anguish. I don't know how to make it go away. I want to crawl out of my skin, I'm panicking panicking panicking.


I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.