Friday, June 12, 2009

The Ugly Truth

This is the last thing I want to admit to myself, the last thing I want to have to write about. But I can't ignore this feeling and the eerie, terrifying familiarity of it. I can't pretend I don't know what it is, or why it's here. I don't want it to be true, I don't want to concede to it that I can't do the things I've promised, that I want to. I am so conflicted. And miserable.

Here it is again, something that I never thought I'd feel, not like this, not now, not again. I've given my life away again, and I'm having the unbearable thought that I don't want it anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing, for myself, for the world. I embraced my opportunities, I said yes, and yes, and yes, and now I've turned into a No. I am unhappy with my life, I have given away my freedom. I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do, I did not know it would be this lesson all over again. I thought I'd found new purpose, but in doing so, I turned my back on the one I already had. The one that allowed me to choose happiness despite the suffering. Now happiness is no longer a choice, I have no more choices. How can I back out? How could I possibly justify changing my mind now?

Or is this me refusing to grow up, to endure under the weight of any responsibility? Why can't I survive responsibility? Why can't I just live with them, live up to them, like everyone else, without feeling like life is no longer worth living? Why can't I be happy despite being shackled to my promises? This is so painful. I am letting everyone down. I have lost my spirit. Why should I have to choose between my spirit and the 'real world'? I just can't seem to exist like other people. How can I not feel horrible about that?

Oh there's more. There's the easy answer to this. I'm overwhelmed. Having cold feet. Spread myself too thin, bit off more than I can chew. All of these are also true. All of these are experienced by most people. Only they don't have the black death of depression waiting to swallow them up if they fail. They don't have the fear of it to make them so easily give up. Most people never have to contemplate whether their spirit is dying because of some simple choices they made.

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Disclaimer

I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.