Here it is again, something that I never thought I'd feel, not like this, not now, not again. I've given my life away again, and I'm having the unbearable thought that I don't want it anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing, for myself, for the world. I embraced my opportunities, I said yes, and yes, and yes, and now I've turned into a No. I am unhappy with my life, I have given away my freedom. I did it because I thought it was what I was supposed to do, I did not know it would be this lesson all over again. I thought I'd found new purpose, but in doing so, I turned my back on the one I already had. The one that allowed me to choose happiness despite the suffering. Now happiness is no longer a choice, I have no more choices. How can I back out? How could I possibly justify changing my mind now?
Or is this me refusing to grow up, to endure under the weight of any responsibility? Why can't I survive responsibility? Why can't I just live with them, live up to them, like everyone else, without feeling like life is no longer worth living? Why can't I be happy despite being shackled to my promises? This is so painful. I am letting everyone down. I have lost my spirit. Why should I have to choose between my spirit and the 'real world'? I just can't seem to exist like other people. How can I not feel horrible about that?
Oh there's more. There's the easy answer to this. I'm overwhelmed. Having cold feet. Spread myself too thin, bit off more than I can chew. All of these are also true. All of these are experienced by most people. Only they don't have the black death of depression waiting to swallow them up if they fail. They don't have the fear of it to make them so easily give up. Most people never have to contemplate whether their spirit is dying because of some simple choices they made.