Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Uglier Truth

I'm not sure how much to say about this, not knowing who will read it, but as I've always been totally candid on my blog, I see no reason to stop now. Despite all the fanfare and hooplah I've made about being a part of the Blue Ribbon Campaign, my part in it is now over. It came down to the only way to try to save the organization was for me to leave, and so I did. We put way too much work into it to let it go to waste, and as the president was willing to throw it all away because she didn't think she could get along with me, I've chosen to leave instead of playing any further part in it's destruction. I was encouraged to express my ideas, and also encouraged to call her on anything I thought could damage the org, and so I did. She seems to think that was about my ego, and nothing I said could change her mind. I don't feel like going into detail about it right now. Surprisingly enough, I feel liberated by my decision. I had been giving increasing amounts of my life away (for which I take responsibility for), when that was not the best thing for me to be doing. I got caught up in wanting to participate in everything that was going on, wanting to do too much, and ended up facing the reality that I'd over-committed myself and in the process had set myself up to be miserable. Now that I have my life back, I am excited about what I can do with it. I've answered emails gone long ignored from people extending friendship to me, people in my city who I could actually go out and spend time with. Lately all I have been doing is living my life online and ignoring the world close to me. I now have the freedom to try to balance both. I now have time and energy to work on the projects I'd committed to before joining the charity, and to doing the creative work I've been longing to do but haven't had time for. The weight of having too many things to do and people to answer to is gone, the guilt of not being able to do everything as fast as I want to is gone. I don't know what made me think I could ever open an etsy store while I was doing so much, but now that goal is far more acheivable.

I don't regret the work I did or the people I met or the things I learned. I have gained much confidence in my abilities, and whatever losses I'm now incurring I can let go of. I'm not sure how I'm going to make up the money that I invested, since I'm already less than scraping by already, but that was the risk I took by trusting someone I didn't really know. I did feel for awhile that I finally had found a greater purpose to my life, but I also realized I'd given up the one I'd already had, and I'm fairly certain the original one was far more necessary to my life. I guess what I'm saying is that this is all for the best, and I'm more than willing to move on with my life and embrace the next adventure.

Sure there is anger, but it is far less than it was while I was still trying to hang in there and work things out. There are also personal feelings I have towards the person who made this necessary, but I kind of don't feel like they are even worth dwelling on. Our association is over, so there's no point. I had tried to agree to disagree, but even that wasn't good enough. I'm just relieved not to have to keep expending energy trying to get along. I realized earlier it wasn't worth it but somehow still got tangled in argument anyway. How many times did I try to get out of it? It is hard for me to stop defending myself when I'm being misunderstood and misrepresented. Anyway, it's done. Next!

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Disclaimer

I sometimes write things that I don't really mean or believe. These are not to be taken literally, nor as definitive statements about me or my beliefs. Thoughts and emotions are transient, and I reserve the right to change my mind, generalize, exaggerate, give strong opinions, or write other possibly offensive statements. I don't lie, but I may say something that's not true to check whether I believe it or not, or to make a point. Call it creative license. This is my blog, and do have the right to say what I want. I'm using it in creatively therapeutic ways. Whatever the reader may think of me and my words, please believe that my core intentions are always good and I never willingly hurt anyone.