I've been feeling very angry for a few weeks, and very ill. Not being able to get out of bed or off the couch for weeks on end does not mix well with anger. Lately, all kinds of things I normally would laugh off have been irritating me to the point of near-fury. I have been at a loss to know what to do about my anger. The Drama was the last straw, apparently. Yesterday I unleashed my rage on Twitter, in typical perpetualspiral fashion, of course. Sarcasm. Bitterness. More sarcasm. Pointing out people's hypocrisy. I had a run in with a poorly educated (or dumb or both) 'bible-tweeter' and jumped at the opportunity to confront her about her beliefs. She was a real goldmine of hypocrisy let me tell you. About 4 tweets in she told me to go kill myself. Real Christian of her. I am compiling a document of the conversation we had and some comments I got from other people during the episode, as well as some related tweets I posted in between replies. To do this properly will take awhile, so I'll be finishing tomorrow (if all goes well) and posting it here.
Despite my sharp comments, I got NO negative responses from my followers. I got a lot of people telling me they thought it was quite hilarious, or that they totally understand my need to vent and question. I was amazed. I am also happy that I chose the right people to follow & they chose me back. I don't have a huge amount of followers, but over a thousand is a lot of people that could've been ticked off. A few people have unfollowed me but it may not have been for that reason, and I got the same amount of new followers. I'm relieved to find so many people thought it was funny rather than horrifying. As I've gone over the tweets I wrote again, I can see why - they are funny, and not nearly as nasty as I originally felt they were. (Apparently, the degree of guilt I feel bears little relation to my deeds. I should've known that from the fact that I've felt immensely guilty for breathing and taking up space most of my life.)
When I was done "purging" - which included a lot more venting than my tweets to the bible-tweeter, I felt awful. I felt nauseous and spent and exhausted. I felt like "God" was punishing me for what I'd done. And that thought (though of course I don't believe it....do I?) made me feel angry again. Although, the level of anger I was capable of mustering up by that point was pretty pathetic. I was thinking, here I am, having tried so hard my whole life to be perfect, being much better behaved, empathetic and socially concerned than a lot of God's minions, and yet I'm suffering because I challenged one of them? I'm a better Christian than probably half of all Christians, but none of it matters because I don't "believe". God apparently made me the way I am, gave me the life that would make me a skeptic and a cynic, and now punishes me for it? Do I even have to say "it's not fair"? I hold to that poem I wrote the day, at 14 years old, I became truly suicidal: "If there is a God, He must hate me." Why else would someone who's tried so very hard all her life be burdened with suffering that whole same life?
But that makes me wonder, maybe the trying is causing the suffering. Maybe if I was like my hypocritical friend and didn't even try to be a good person, I would be happy and healthy. But not trying to be a good person, to me, is totally immoral. Even if it did relieve my suffering, I don't think I could do it. Is that an irony or an injustice? Pick one, I guess.
As I was getting ready to sleep last night, I took my iPhone to bed as usual, and was tweeting away. All of a sudden I had no internet connection. I tried a few of my other internet apps, and none of them would connect. A few minutes later, N called me, and suggested she call the iPhone to see if the phone part still worked. No dice. My cousin K has disconnected my service. Or put it on hold. Either way amounts to the same deal. And again, all this without a peep from him to explain why he's doing this, or to find out my side of the story.
I decided yesterday that I wasn't going to email him my side like I said I would if I didn't hear from him. Now I don't see the point. I don't want to salvage our "friendship", because it was based on lies and his false persona, which he carefully weaves with anyone in his life because he's ashamed of who he really is. But whatever he's hiding can't be half as bad as the person he's become in creating & maintaining his illusions. So much effort wasted in impression management! I pity him his self-hatred, his self-delusions, because he's made himself entirely alone, nobody really knows the true person behind all the smoke-screens.
I've now been told that he never really wanted to come to our family gatherings, but N persuaded him most of the time. So it's unlikely he'll come to our party this weekend. If he doesn't come to our get-togethers, it means he's just dumped his entire extended family. Way to go. Well, nobody liked you anyway. Though I did try very, very hard to overlook the qualities in you that make the rest of our family uncomfortable. It wasn't worth the effort, but that's the risk I took.
So, anyway, I'm getting a wireless router so I can use most of the features of my iPhone here at home. I rarely go out anyway, and there's more and more free wi-fi in our city. But for now, I'm just bringing the netbook up to bed instead of the iPhone. His 'revenge' really has not hampered me in any way at all. I for one hope he paid a chunk of money to have the plan cancelled, rather than just putting it on hold. One can dream, that an unjustified attack will backfire and cost the attacker more than the victim.